19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Man impersonating officer busted for attempting to pull over unmarked cruiser


God I wish I was there to witness that.

2. Ex-Power Rangers actor Ricardo Medina has pleaded not guilty to murdering his roommate with a sword


Zordon told him to do it.

3. NBC cancels its mail-order bride sitcom less than 72 hours after announcing it


Maybe turning human trafficking into a situational comedy wasn’t the best of ideas, the network shortly realized.

4. 102-year-old St. Louis woman checks ‘arrest’ off bucket list


“Thanks for holding my hand, officer, but, f*ck the police…sorry, had to cross that off the bucket list too.”

5. Egyptian MP demands women undergo virginity tests before being admitted to university


Actual quote from the guy proposing the bill: “No one should be upset by this decision. If you’re upset then that means you’re scared that your daughter is in an ‘urfi’ marriage behind your back.”

6. This man went insane to prove every Adam Sandler movie is connected


Like I’d understand if you did this for Scorcese or Tarantino’s films, but freaking Adam Sandler?

7. To get yogurt, kids at daycare had to play ‘smack for a snack’


Who let a bunch of cafeteria bullies open a daycare?

8. Barrie hospital patients angered by funeral home ads on parking gates

the star

“You need to pre-emptively meet the needs of the customer, Jim.”

9. United Airlines passenger told to switch seats as Pakistani man ‘did not want to sit next to woman’


Would’ve been great the passenger he switched seats with said, “Oh, I’m sorry, my religion doesn’t allow me to sit next to Pakistanis.”

10. Concrete truck falls into sinkhole while filling other hole in road


Of course it did.

11. Condom deserves a place in space says sexuality education association

Come on man, even aliens probably hate condoms.

12. Polk County man arrested for having milk crate


“I told you boy, this was a lactose free town!”

13. Man Shot 6 Times on Shotwell Street


“Son, did you not see the sign?”

14. Donald Trump has some Latinos so unnerved, they’re turning to the supernatural for help


It’s probably what the next paranormal activity movie’s going to be about.

15. Duke Offers Men A ‘Safe Space’ To Contemplate Their ‘Toxic Masculinity’


I want to go there and act like I’m a huge Britney Spears fan. “I just can’t get enough of that song. I know it’s been years since its debut, but…”

16. Iraq MP: Ancient Sumerians travelled space and discovered Pluto


Yeah well I drew a picture of me in space eating a donut, doesn’t mean I went to a Krispy Kreme on mars.

17. Minority students wear KKK costumes to school


“At least this way we won’t get shot.”

18. New Web Series Follows ‘Queer Ghost Hunters’ in Ohio


Producer: (hits blunt) “I just wanna hear someone with a lisp say “Ghosts” over and over again!”

2nd producer: “You know not all gay people have lisps, right?”

Producer: “Well that’s why we having a casting office, Brian.”

19. Pittsburgh man faces penalty if he can’t catch loud rooster

Record scratch, freeze frame. “You’re probably wondering how I got myself into this mess.”

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