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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Donald Trump too hard to satirise, say South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone


south park

They should parody him by making him an actually good President in the show.

2. Virginia used to have an official groundhog; it killed itself on Groundhog Day


newyork1

He won’t take part in your insulting ceremonies.

3. Police station fumigated after men caught in store sex act, report says


elitebugkillers

“It smells like sex in here. Oh well, only one way to fix that.”

4. ‘Tinder for orangutans’: zoo lets female primate choose mate using tablet


animal press

This Dunston Checks In sequel should’ve never been produced by Cinemax.

5. Woman won’t stop spending at Kmart, boyfriend complains


kmart

The craziest part about this headline is that there are still K-Marts around.

6. Man charged with stealing Roll Up The Rim Tim Hortons cups


victoriabuzz

You gotta win those prizes any way that you can.

7. Workington police blow up ‘suspicious’ car parked by fellow officers


bbci

This is why communication is very, very important ladies and gentlemen.

8. Good Samaritan offers man a ride, winds up ‘getaway driver’ in Columbia bank heist


magiccity

No good deed goes unpunished.

9. Man shot cat that ‘looked at him like it owned the place’


telegraph

Listen, I’m not condoning violence against animals, but I totally get where this guy is coming from.

10. Johnny Depp spent $ 3 million blasting Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes out of a cannon, ex-managers claim in lawsuit


independent

Hey it’s his money, he can do what he want with it. That’s a good friend right there.

11. Oldest Prostate Stones Ever Found Suggest a Man Was in Agony 12,000 Years Ago

1
seeker

Doesn’t help him now, does it?

12. Five years of ‘no dinners out, no entertainment, no sports’ for two company execs who evaded taxes

You mean, jail?

13. Neither Donald Trump nor Sean Spicer Seem to Know That Frederick Douglass Is Dead


george k. warren

“He plays for the Bucks, right?”

14. Denis Leary acknowledges he looks exactly like Kellyanne Conway, eyes Oscar-winning role


independent

Would be the funniest thing he’s ever done since the a**hole song.

15. New DC comic reinvents Snagglepuss as ‘Gay Southern Gothic Playwright’


hanna barbera

If anyone wants to get me a gift, please get me this.

16. Man’s daily vodka intake calcified his pancreas


getty

I’ve been wondering when/how they were going to reboot this character.

17. Police commissioner all smiles after domestic violence arrest


south hackensack

Poor soul, he thinks that just because the President could get away with treating women like sh*t that he can too.

18. Clean energy subsidies could be used to build new coal power plants, Scott Morrison says


abc

Yeah I mean, coal’s super clean, even canaries can breathe it in. That’s why miners would bring them down in the tunnels so much.

19. In corruption-riddled Romania, officials now allow room for modest abuses


pressrom

They should call it “the partial scumbag” initiative.

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