This Mom Wrote A Hilarious List Of 20 Things You Should Know Before 'Pushing Out A Baby'

Having your first baby is an exhilarating experience until you realize that you have to look after the thing for the rest of your life and sleep is but a distant memory. 

Bekki Pope is a mom and blogger who runs the Facebook page and she’s got some experience in the whole baby thing. So for all the novices, she decided to write a list entitled “20 things to know when you’ve just pushed out a baby,” and it’s pretty damn hilarious. 

1. The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over….

2. Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.

3.. Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what’s in the back bit won’t be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do…

4. Your baby looks weird. Like… Really weird. ‘Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby’ etc will be said at you and you’ll accept other people’s opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.

5. Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Boys little nuggets are the size of whole walnut whips, but their willies are the size of the walnuts on the top that nobody wants. Apparently this ‘swelling’ goes down soon. If it doesn’t, expect ‘big bollocks’ to be part of your sons school nickname.

6. Their first poo is not actually poo. It’s tar. The midwives sneak in over night, fill your baby’s nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling ‘why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?’

7. Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It’s normal. It may feel like you’ll never be right again and that you’ll walk like John Wayne forever, and you might, but you’ll feel so much better for the shower. You’re literally washing away your sins. (If the baby was born out of wedlock anyway….)

8. Midwives like babies. They will come and pick yours up with no prior warning. They will squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies to make them crap, and fiddle with their face so much you’re sure the baby looks like it’s had botox when they give it back.

9. Your baby hates you. It’s not crying. It’s communicating with its master- the devil- about how successful their plan to destroy you is going. Seriously – it doesn’t actually hate you. It may seem like it never cries when anyone else holds it or that it enjoys keeping you up all night, but really, it is so dependant on you it’s embarrassing. Human babies are embarrassing.

10. You will say the word ‘latch’ more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment, you will feel like an actual proper mum.
And a cow.

11. There are people in hospital that can smell your vulnerability. They will take photos of your baby looking cute and then try and charge you a million pounds for it. They will scroll through the 50 photos they’ve taken of your baby in the same position, asking you to choose your favourites. and if you’ve got a partner like mine, that means you will have to re-mortgage your house by the time he’s done…

12. The hospital food is as bad as it is so that people decide they would rather be in pain and at home than eating ‘peaches and custard’. The custard is hot wee with a splash of breast milk mixed in, and the peaches are body parts that have been soaked in sugar over night. And don’t eat the chocolate mousse. Just don’t.

13. It farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes weird noises in its sleep that make you think you’re going to wake up and see Chucky in the cot- head spinning and laughing. You hope people know it’s the baby and not you. Not that you’d know if you were farting. Your sphincter muscle control is somewhat lacking at the moment.

14. Everyone you’ve ever met will want to come to the hospital to see you. People get overexcited about visiting hospitals. They feel VIP when they walk in to a ward. You are a VIP- a very in-pain person. And you look and feel like death. So only accept visitors if you are up to it. You’re still so high on drugs that making conversation with adults is like trying to sieve flour with a fishing net. Everything just pours out of you and none of the shit is stopped getting through…

15. Your tummy is now resembling a balloon that’s slowly deflating and feeling very sorry for itself. If you press it, you instantly conclude that it would make a fantastic trampoline for Stuart Little. Or that if you sliced it up right now, the hospital kitchen staff would use it and palm it off as nectarine jelly..

16. They want you on contraception straight away. Countless midwives will come and talk to you about how fertile you are and how likely you are to become pregnant again. They do however forget one crucial thing- you’re never having sex again. You never want to see a penis again. And if one comes near you, you’ll most likely destroy it for the sake of women everywhere. The end.

17. Everything’s angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn’t angry. It’s f@&king livid. Give it a while to calm down but right now, you and she ain’t friends…

18. People ask you if your milk has come in yet, and you half expect somebody dressed in a cravendale costume to waltz through the door and stay with you forever, handing you milk as and when your baby needs it. Not true. What actually happens is that, about 3 days in, your boobs start to leak like they have forgotten they are breasts and now believe they are garden sprinklers. Whose garden you don’t know, but at the rate they start pouring out it must be the Queen’s…

19. They want you to go home ASAP. You are taking up valuable bed space and now you have delivered your stinky human bundle and they’ve checked it over to make sure it isn’t a live Picasso painting, you’re free to leave. Don’t. Not until you’re ready. Get all the help and advice you need before going home. Because once you’re at home, your baby is expecting you to know what you’re doing and you’ll wish you’d stayed longer at the hospital. If to only delay the car seat fiasco a little longer…

20. Stop worrying. You’re not superwoman. There is no such thing as normal, and there is no such thing as perfect. You are your baby’s normal. You are your baby’s perfect. They aren’t judging you. They are completely reliant on you and being responsible for another human being is not a piece of cake. It’s a piece of ‘oh my god I can’t do this’. You can. And everyday will get easier. Breath mummy.
You just grew and pushed out a mini Mitchell brother. There’s nothing you can’t do.

Except sleep.
You can’t do that anymore.

Pope’s list was pretty relatable, earning 80,000 shares and thousands of comments from other moms. 

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This Town Is Trying To Fight Bullying By Fining Their Parents A Lot Of Money

Kids used to tease me in school for my name. A lot. I didn’t really get into many fights, probably because I was freakishly large for my age, but that didn’t stop the teasing. As a result I did whatever I could to fit in and belong, which has probably messed up my life in more ways than I could ever imagine.

It’s not like I’m blaming bullies for my problems, I think part of growing up is being able to learn to be responsible for one’s emotions. But as a father, I know I’ll be heartbroken if my son turned out to be a mean bully, no matter how unfortunate of a reality they are.

And one city thinks that they’ve found the key to curbing bullying all together, and that’s by incentivizing parents to raise kids who aren’t bullies. And how are they going to do that?

By slapping parents with an initial $ 366 if they’re found guilty of bullying other kids, and $ 681 for the same offense in the same year!

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The city council is Shawano, Wisconsin, ruled on the new anti-bullying law and hope that parents, afraid of being fined, will better teach their kids to not be jerks.

Understandably, the new law is causing some outrage.

Do you think it’s a little too much to expect parents to claim sole responsibility for their children’s behavior? There are many external factors to consider, too.

There are similar fines in school districts already in place throughout the country as well.

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In some districts, if a parent’s kid is constantly missing school, the county fines them once they pass a certain number of absences. The idea is to foster a sense of greater parental involvement in child-rearing, but it seems like a artificially well-intentioned way to just get more money out of everyday citizens, if you ask me. (h/t freestuff)

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19 People Explain Why They Prefer Having A Friend With Benefits Over A Relationship

There are varying degrees to any relationship we all hold nowadays. Sometimes, we split the type of relationship we keep with certain folks and get the full experience of interacting with one pleasant person by keeping them in rotation. I do this with different groups of friends, and do everything in my power to make sure that none of them ever meet to keep everything in balance.

Recent years has seen a movement that has existed for ages be named and become more popular. FWBs, or friends with benefits, are exactly what they sound like. They’re people that are cool to hang with and simultaneously get physically intimate with, sans post copulating issues.

Some people are too busy to keep a relationship healthy, or are no longer interested in having one at all after one too many negative experiences, but still have certain primal needs that still need to be addressed. There are plenty of reasons to go this route, but here are 19 of them from people that already chose to stick with the FWB lifestyle, at least for the time being.

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Teen Takes The Shoes Off His Own Feet After Seeing Homeless Man With Holes In His

Labor Day is typically Summer’s last stand. It’s a 3 day weekend for most, which means we have 3 nights and 2 days to go out and enjoy ourselves, with one full day to recover before tackling a shortened work/school week.

A few people out in Louisville, Kentucky opted to spend their Labor Day weekend differently.  Fourteen year old LaRon Tunstill, better known as RonRon locally, was taking part in a barbecue set up by PurpMe (People Uplifting Real People) to feed the homeless, when he noticed a gentleman walking along the side of their spread.

He sparked a conversation with the man, and while they were talking, saw the tattered pair of shoes he was wearing.  Jason Reynolds, the founder of PurpMe, saw the shoes. “The soles were completely gone.  His toes literally touched the ground.”

RonRon immediately took off his brand new Nike Air Jordans and gave them to the man, who was reluctant to accept them at first. “At first he was like ‘no, I can’t take these because these are too expensive.’ I told him, ‘take it’ because it’s what God wanted me to do.” RonRon told WAVE.

Reynolds, still in awe of the exchange, spoke:

“It was life-changing to see that powerful moment, Just a year before, he (Tunstill) was getting into trouble and now you see that he’s changing. He used to get in a lot of trouble when I first met him.”

After RonRon’s gift, Reynolds started a GoFundMe page where 100% of the donations would go to helping children in the area.  

“I always tell the kids one simple act is all it takes. Maybe you can’t change the world but you can change someone’s world.”

(h/t wdrb)

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You Need To Be A Master Of The English Language To Be Able To Read This Entire Poem

As you may often be told if you know anyone who’s had to learn English as a second tongue, our language is a goddamn mess. So much so that in 1922, Dutch poet Gerard Nolste Trenité wrote a poem entitled The Chaos that contains around 800 of our irregularities, and is almost impossible to complete in one take.

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
   I will teach you in my verse
   Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
   Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
   Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
   Just compare heart, hear and heard,
   Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
   Made has not the sound of bade,
   Saysaid, paypaid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
   But be careful how you speak,
   Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
   Woven, oven, how and low,
   Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
   Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
   Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
   Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
   Solar, mica, war and far.

From “desire”: desirableadmirable from “admire”,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
   Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
   Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
   Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
   Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

This goes on for a lot longer, so if you’ve managed to make it this far, why not give yourself a rest and leave it to a professional? 

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Here Are The 17 Best Tweet Reactions To Last Night's Commander In Chief Forum

Last night, far too many weary Americans tuned in to NBC’s Commander In Chief Forum— a dry run for the debates beginning in just three weeks. 

It seemed as good an opportunity as any to get some clarity on the candidates’ policies and to partake in political-themed drinking games. There seemed to be more drinking than clarity, though. 

Luckily, this was Twitter’s time to shine. So, here are the tweet reactions you’ve been waiting for:

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16 Must-Have Products For Anyone Who Hates Mornings

If you’re like me, mornings are the bane of your existence. To make things slightly more bearable, we’ve assembled a list of the best products you can buy to make Monday mornings as fun as a Friday evening. 

  1. Donut Warming Coffee Mug

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    If you’re like me, you need as much sugar and caffeine as possible to help you get through the morning. This mug has a slot for your donut that helps to keep both your coffee and your pastries warm. 

  2. Dumbbell Alarm Clock

    Amazon

    Never able to force yourself to work out in the morning? This dumbbell shaped alarm clock forces you to do 30 reps before it turns off

  3. Wake-up Light

    Amazon

    This lamp makes waking up a lot easier. It wakes you up in a natural way, by light that increases gradually like a sunrise. Backed by independent research, 8 out of 10 users reported that the lamp made it easier to wake up in the morning.

  4. Mermaid Blanket

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    If worse comes to worse and you have to get out of bed, this mermaid blanket should help fight off the cold.

  5. Aeropress Coffee and Espresso Maker

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    If you’re always running late, it can be hard to get a coffee in. The Aeropress is an easy, quick, and efficient way to make a cup of the black stuff before rushing out to work

  6. Alarm Clock Mat

    This mat forces you to get out of bed and stand on it to stop the alarm from going off. If you’re one to hit the snooze button 10 times, you need this

  7. Pillow With Pockets

    Amazon

    What if I told you that you could work from your favorite place in the world? This pillow doubles as a chair and even has pockets to keep notebooks in

  8. Wifi-Enabled Coffeemaker

    Amazon

    Don’t want to get out of bed until absolutely necessary? This coffee maker lets you make coffee on your phone

  9. Instant Bed Head Fixer

    Amazon

    Don’t have time to style your hair this morning? Just put some water in this cap and it’ll style your hair into a more reasonable mess

  10. Breakfast Sandwich Maker

    Amazon

    This is the greatest thing ever created

  11. Bagel Guillotine

    Amazon

    It’s better to work out your anger on bread rather than people. Just watch your fingers

  12. Battery Powered Self Brewing Coffee and Tea Mug

    Amazon

    The ultimate weapon in laziness, this battery powered mug brews its own coffee and tea

  13. Untipable Mighty Mug

    Amazon

    If you’re a tad clumsy in the mornings, this is the mug for you. It uses smart grip technology, which means it’s pretty much impossible to knock over. Even horizontally

  14. The Smart Bulb

    Amazon

    Can’t be bothered to get out of bed and turn on the light? This smart bulb has blue tooth built in, which means you can turn it on with your phone

  15. iBed Tablet Stand

    Amazon

    With this, you basically never need to get out of bed again. 

  16. Ghost Pillow

    Amazon

    This is about as technologically advanced as a pillow can get. Not only does it use a similar memory system as those expensive mattresses, but it also has tiny holes that help airflow and keep the pillow nice and cold

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17 Of The Funniest Reactions To Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston's Breakup

If you were taking bets on how long it’d be before Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up and put your money on 3 months, get ready to cash in. TMZ and E! News have confirmed that the pair has split because Tom wanted the relationship to be more public than Taylor wanted. Unsurprisingly, the people of Twitter aren’t exactly having a hard time believing that Hiddleswift is no more. 

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