Every family has secrets. Whether it is the family’s secret apple pie recipe, or the secret child who lives in the attic. Families try to keep a secret a secret by only teaching certain people the recipe, or tightening the child’s chains.
The thing about secrets, though, is that they get out eventually. Someone will leak the recipe, or someone might begin to wonder what those strange noises coming from attic are.
Even if you try to keep these family secret from your own family member, they will piece it together eventually. After enough slices of apple pie or listening to the howling night after night, the clues start to add up.
To be clear, these are just examples that do not need follow up questions. I promise you, my family does not have a secret apple pie recipe.
She may as well just see this thing through
That my mom really doesn’t like us but is still committed
She failed, by the way
That my mother attempted to kill me and my father, more than once.
I think my dad might be a spy.
He used to be in the airforce, where he was trained in radio comms and cryptography. He had a top secret clearance due to this job, and spent hours every day training in Wing Chung kung-fu.
After he “left” he took up a a job with a company in some industrial estate, where he was unable to explain what it was he actually did, and was often sent overseas on “business trips”.
I think something went down though, because he left and started working on some “small businesses” with a RAAF mate of his. At one point he moved to Malaysia for three months. Something else must have gone down, cause he stopped doing that and went into real estate.
But I suspect he got bored, and got back into the game, because he started working for another “company” doing another job he can’t really explain, only now I think he’s a handler or something. He’s still sent abroad, but less often. He spends a lot of time at the office, and he’s always working on these weird projects using old radio tech.
We need to have a talk…
I saw on my younger brother’s birth certificate the “Previous Children From Same Parents” field blank. Either the doctors fucked up, I’m adopted or I’m the milkman’s son. Hoping it’s the first.
He’ll be back any day now
I think my father hasn’t really been searching the world for that one fine cigarette for twenty years now
That is pretty dark
This is pretty dark but I think my brother was molested by my grandmother. He slept in her bed until he was 12 and she babied him. Treated him like her husband pretty much.
Let’s hear more about this
That it is the destiny of the men in my family to kill at least one other person, whether because of duty, hate, or necessity. None of us have any criminal record btw.
Just have someone else make the meal
My aunt cooks the Thanksgiving turkey with the plastic bag of fowl innards still inside the bird.
Did he know you were going to say this?
I think my Dad might have superpowers and not telling me. His power, he can see the future.
Many numerous times he has predicted otherwise unpredictable and unforeseeable events and knew things that you otherwise wouldn’t have been able to guess for a while.
My mother is a virgin
Worse than death by Snoo Snoo
They eat men. There is not a single man in my family. We are all a pack of women and I think they have developed a taste for blood and testosterone.
Haha. Yes. Joking.
Well, my father has consistently joked with us that he is an alien. Roughly 600 years old. I suspect he’s telling the truth.
So long, everyone
I suspect both my parents have exactly the life they want now that I’ve moved so far away. My father has my brothers. He was never thrilled with having a daughter. My mother essentially has no kids now since she cut off my older brother (my younger brother is not her son) and rarely speaks to me, if at all. My suspicions of her are based on more evidence, since she abandoned my brother and I as children.
You all should go on Maury
That my father isn’t actually my father. There was a time in the 70’s, when the sexual revolution was in full swing and before my holy-roller uncle had become a holy-roller, that my parents won’t talk about. But unsolicited comments have been made by people outside the family how I look more like my uncle than my father. And if you work backwards from my birthday, it would have taken place around Christmas time when the whole family was together.
It’s not something I can really prove because no one old enough to remember that time is willing to talk about it. And even though I joke about it with my father, the idea of a paternity test is off the table. The only proof I have is when my mother had started to succumb to Pick’s disease and became really REALLY honest. But even then I can’t guarantee its true since at the time she would also tell us about the aliens that were outside her window. So my life may be a complete lie, or it could be all true. I have no way of knowing which it is.
It was a different time.
That my great uncle (my grandma’s brother) was gay.
I would have never had an issue with it, but if he had came out to his family, it would have been a huge scandal.
There isn’t any kind of proof of it, it’s just a feeling I always got from him (he never got married among other things). And I’m not the only (younger) member of the family that thought so.
I think my parents hate each other.
At the start of September my mom wasn’t home and I didn’t have my phone and I forgot her number so I was trying to find a way to call her. Being the nosey little shit I am, I went on her computer and looked through her facebook for numbers of family friends that maybe I could call and get her number from.
Eventually this led to me going through her e-mail (I know I know this was wrong but I needed to call her it was urgent) I found an e-mail to my dad titled “I don’t love you” I read it over and over again, completely in disbelief. They fought sometimes but they always seemed so happy, I quickly copied the message and saved it to a google doc.
I haven’t confronted them about it, it’s eating me up inside, but I’m afraid they’re only holding it together to keep me and my sister happy and if I confronted them they would get a divorce. I just can’t do that to my sister.
I think we may all be oops babies
I was going to be aborted. My mom hates babies and she wanted a career. I was an opps baby and it kinda slipped out of my dad’s mouth. I don’t blame her though.
That adjective does make this better
That my parents are functioning alcoholics.
At least they found someone after finding someone
I’m pretty sure both of my parents are having affairs, and I’m not sure if they both know or they don’t. I’m not sure which one makes me feel worse.
Family road trips must have been quite an experience
My dad ran drugs (cocaine) over the border into San Diego in the 70s. His best friend spilled the beans to me one night working on my car after a few barley pops.
Mentioned how they used to smoke grass and that they were bringing kilos and kilos of white into the US and that it was so damn easy at the time.
That being said, I over heard him one time talking to a close friend of his that had just gotten a great life insurance plan. My dad says ‘oh they’re not going to know about it until I’m gone. Its so much that they’d want to off me in a quick minute. I saved and saved and saved.’
I’m convinced he has a decent amount of cash waiting in an out of country bank account for when he retires and for my siblings when he dies. He’s very secretive when it comes to his income and spending. I grew up upper middle class and never really worried about money (I hope that doesn’t sound douchey, just trying to describe it).
Are you sure you don’t believe this?
i don’t anymore, but when i was little I thought my dad was Indiana Jones
This a legitimate horror movie
Something traumatic happened to me when I was around 5.
I have a blank spot about 7 or 8 months long. I have clear memories of before and after. During the same time, my older sister and brother left home (16 and 17).
My youngest brother who is about 8 years older than me alluded to it but wont say what. My Mom acts like she doesnt know what I am talking about. My Dad wouldnt say shit, and he died several years ago.
I dont have any idea what it could be, but 40 years later ill wake up really terrified over an unknown face and fear of nothing in particular.
I remember moving into this house and later moving out, and almost nothing while we were there. My memories from the time we left that house are fine.
Genes don’t lie