These Recipes From Kids Will Make Your Stomach Hurt From Laughing

Kids say the darndest things and cannot be trusted with fire, so they make bad people to follow in the kitchen. But we still love hearing their ideas about food, because they’re so imaginative. Food is more a supply from the craft store than something you would eat.

This is dangerous for the digestive system but good for laughs. Twitter user Jordan Adams shared a cookbook from his nephew’s pre-k class, and they’re the perfect example of the delirious minds that want to serve you actual mud pies:

Ethan’s Eggs sound delicious, but they are missing one key ingredient: eggs.

Ariana’s Macaroni involves time at the pool, which I am on board with.

Joe’s Tacos took a really fast turn. He does NOT want tacos.

And Sebastian’s Pancakes sound delicious, but they’re pretty pricey:

Though they would never eat any of these recipes in a million years, people love them:

And find them pretty relatable, actually:

It’s like demented Ratatouille in here.

Getting recipes from kids is a pretty common thing, because it’s always funny. Some people shared their own weirdo recipes from school, which they’ve held onto all these years in case they want to give themselves food poisoning someday:

Maybe even on Thanksgiving:

And teachers everywhere love compiling them:

We need them!

Keep me laughing, kids, as I eat this boring sandwich that is made with bread instead of two skateboards, or something.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

This Pants Style Is Leaving People With Weirdly Burned Legs

Suns out, knees out, as the old saying goes. Spring is finally here, and people are celebrating by learning what the power of the burning ball of gas up there can do—cook you slowly. People with pale skin and a desperate need to wear ripped jeans are being punished by the Sun God with unsightly burn patterns:

It happens literally every year, since ripped jeans were invented.

It’s like people forget that the sun is enjoying the fine weather, too, and it wants to burn brightly:

It’s honestly kind of crazy that ripped jeans have been plaguing us as a style for so long, because they make no sense as either pants or fashion:

It won’t stop until every person who wears them learns this painful lesson individually:

You can wear them indoors, I guess, but anything that involves showing your knees to the sky is bad:

The sky doesn’t want to see your knees, and it will punish you.

You can start to work up a tan in those problem areas.

Or stop wearing them entirely!

Or just remember to slather up with sunscreen in any leg-baring scenario:

It’s been a long winter. 

And it’s not just your legs you have to look out for. Protect your face:

Your torso:

Your arms:

Your back:

Even the back of your head:

Fashion is not worth it!

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Couple Discovers 'Electrical Box' In Backyard Was Actually A Safe Filled With Treasure

Couple Discovers 'Electrical Box' In Backyard Was Actually A Safe Filled With Treasure

If you grew up on cheesy action-adventure movies like me that are set in the early 20s or 30s, then you probably are wary of ancient treasures and the inevitable curses they’ll bring upon you.

I know it seems like an irrational fear, but the idea that my greed and desire for a “shortcut” to fame and fortune resulting in an eventual and horrible curse is something I worry about a little too much, seeing as they’re not real (probably). So the idea of grave/tomb robbing isn’t something I’m into, because I don’t want a visit from any supernatural creatures chasing me to the ends of the earth.

But ancient artifacts is where I draw the line. If I find an old-timey safe or something that’s existed in the last couple of centuries and it’s filled with modern day cash and goods, you best believe I’m going to take that stuff with a clear conscience or fear of repercussion.

Which is why I can’t understand, for the life of me, why this couple would do what they did when they discovered a rusty safe behind some trees in their backyard. A safe that they thought for the longest time was just an electrical box. It wasn’t.

This gross-looking box was on their property. This gross looking box contained $ 52,000 in cash, gold, and diamonds. This gross looking box could been their next decadent vacation. A double-or-nothing “bet on black” single game of roulette. A brand new supercharged Audi. A  $ 52K bitcoin investment.

And Matthew and Maria Colonna Emanuel decided they couldn’t keep it. They could’ve said, “Finders keepers.” They could’ve easily kept the money and all of the belongings. But there’s a reason they didn’t.

It’s because the couple are decent people. In addition to all of the discovered loot, these two State Island folks found a sheet of paper.

On that paper, was an address.

Because they have a conscience or whatever, they knew that they needed to contact the person whose name was on the address and as it turns out, that person was their neighbor.

So they knocked on their door and asked if they’d ever been burglarized. Turns out that they were and the police reports from 2011 prove it.

So the couple let their neighbor know that they had their safe without hesitation, which of course, people admired. Because it’s very easy to talk yourself into keeping it in that situation, think of all the excuses?

They probably got insurance to cover it.

or:

This is fate, the universe is looking out for me.

or the most compelling:

Finder’s keepers, b****es.

People on Twitter not only commended the couple for their honesty…

…but they also had a bunch of questions for whoever stole the safe.

Like, if they were planning on going back and getting the safe after stealing it, why didn’t they ever go back and pick it up? Why would they leave it so close to the crime scene?

And then a bunch of other people basically told the same joke.

The story also inspired some hopeful treasure hunters to grab a shovel and go to work in their own backyards.

And others lamenting their own misfortune.

Honestly, as sad as it sounds, I know plenty of people who happened upon $ 52,000 randomly just means they’ll be in less debt than they were before. #StudentLoanLife.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Students Fasting During Ramadan Are Already Dreading Their Exams

Growing up Muslim I started fasting at an early age because I thought it would make God answer my prayers more quickly.

“If I deprive myself of food and pray maybe I’ll finally get Wolverine’s healing factor!”

Decades of worship and food deprivation yet no superpowers later, turned the whole religion thing sour for me, but that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what it’s like to fast and the struggles a lot of my Muslim friends and community members endure during the holy month. Specifically, during exam time.

Swearing off food and water for a set amount of time always came easy to me (in fact I was a good Muslim boy and even fasted extra days during the year) but I knew tons of students who found it difficult to concentrate on studying for exams/tests during Ramadan because they needed the sweet energy provided by food to help their brain function properly.

And since we’re now in the holy month for Muslims, people are already stressing about how they’re going to get through studying for their exams while fulfilling their religious obligations.

If you grew up in a religious household, regardless of the religion, you may have found it difficult to reconcile your modern day existence with the expectations demanded by your faith. I know I’ve dined on my fair share of unhealthy guilt as a result of missing a prayer or not reading enough Quran or going to the Mosque enough.

And in my frame of mind right now, I could probably provide a million and one reasons why one shouldn’t fast if they have an exam.

I could say that, hey, look, first off, fasting doesn’t really accomplish much at the end of the day. If the goal is to “feel” how those who are less fortunate than you, then the entire charade of fasting is a bit of a farce the way that most people do it.

You wake up well before the sun breaks night so you can stuff yourself with food. Then you don’t drink or eat for hours, but you know the second the sun drops again, you’ll be able to engorge yourself on whatever you want. It’s not like poor people know that once the day is over, they’ve got Taco Bell, or whatever delicious food their family spent all day preparing for them. So it’s not like you really understand the plight of a poor person – you’re just getting tired and hungry for no reason.

But on a more practical note, if God does exist then he probably wants you to do the best you can in life, right? And if you know that not eating is going to mess you up so much that it’ll affect your ability to score well on an exam or be productive during the day, then you’re doing not only a disservice to yourself, but also to God.

An almighty creator of the universe doesn’t need you to deprive yourself of food as a sacrifice to him, it’s not like he gets anything out of it. So if it’s that big of a hindrance, then don’t do it. Simple.

Of course there are going to be people who want to shame you for your choice, but if you wanna get all religious about it, only God can judge someone, right? And it’s not like not fasting is illegal or anything, so drink your water, have your tuna salad, drink your espresso if you want – it’s OK, I don’t think you’re going to burn forever while standing on hot coals until your brains boil for valuing your future over feeling some sort of shame from a religious community.

But, on the other hand, there are some individuals who dealt with a lot more strenuous stuff than studying while fasting. Take ’90s NBA star Hakeem Olajuwon.

Because he was such a great player, his teammates didn’t mind re-arranging their practice times to better suit his schedule so he could perform optimally. Hakeem was willing to make it work, and there are a lot of Muslims who are worried about their exams who’ve come up with ways to do the same thing.

It just involves rearranging all of your priorities to make fasting work for you. So if you really want to do it, then I guess you can, or at least put an honest effort to.

This Twitter user seems to have it all figured out and a lot of my friends who had difficulty studying during Ramadan employed tricks just like this in order to get through it.

The one thing I can promise fasters is that praying for something has no proven effect on the outcome. So if not eating is having serious implications on your ability to study, asking God to hook you up simply won’t work.

I mean if it did, I’d already have Wolverine’s powers by now and I’d be preaching about how crazy you’d have to be to not be fasting.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

This Photographer Captured Honest Mother's Day Photos To Show 'Mom Reality'

This Photographer Captured Honest Mother's Day Photos To Show 'Mom Reality'

Thanks to social media platforms like Instagram where people are obsessed with constantly depicting themselves in their best lights, it’s easy to forget that life isn’t always a glamorous, perfectly shadowed fun fest.

While scrolling your feeds this past Mother’s Day you probably saw a bunch of inspirational posts about the joys of parenthood. Their kids were probably smiling while dressed up in their cutest outfits and Mama had the best angle of her face with the just-right filter, broadcasting a flawless image of maternity to the world.

But anyone who’s ever raised a kid will tell you that all of that picturesque, “Instagram-approved” stuff is about 3% of what it’s actually like raising a kid. Something that Indiana-based photographer Giedre Gomes wanted to highlight with this Mother’s Day photo series that’s been getting a lot of attention.

Gomes, who is also a community member at Bored Panda, shared the photos to “remind everyone what motherhood really looks like.” And they certainly do.

My wife would agree that peeing alone is a total luxury.

Finding your sanity after a particularly long day filled with tantrums is a very real struggle parents face and we all cope in different ways.

For some, it’s with books.

For others, a quick chug of wine and some time to browse their phones like a normal human being for a few minutes is a vacation.

Trips to the store become tactical missions where you need to be on your toes the entire time.

If you hate cleaning up the same mess over and over again the span of two hours, well I’ve got some bad news for you if you’re planning on having kids.

The same goes for laundry.

In fact, you’ll probably be folding and refolding it multiple times a day.

And if you breastfeed your kids, then you know there’s nothing that gets between your babies and their meals.

You’re also their entertainment most of the time.

Oh and if you’re a fan of sleeping in or sleep in general, then you might want to rearrange your priorities.

Because the chances of you getting leg-dropped in the morning while half-asleep are very, very high.

You better take your showers quickly.

100% of the time you’re just working on saving your kids from themselves.

Getting sick is also not an option.

Gomes said that people who complained about the photos being “staged” are missing the point of the pictures: that all of these scenarios are situations that she, as a mother, has experienced.

As a parent myself, I can confirm that every single one of these images could have very easily been taken straight out a day in my own home with my kids.

Gomes was primarily focused on showing the “different side” of motherhood that doesn’t get enough exposure online, and honestly, I’m here for it. You can check out more of Gomes’ work on her Facebook and Instagram pages, as well as her website.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Everyone Is Looking For This Man Who Had A Complete Meltdown Over People Speaking Spanish

Everyone Is Looking For This Man Who Had A Complete Meltdown Over People Speaking Spanish

With Donald Trump in office, discrimination and violence is on the rise. In fact, a lot of it is government-funded. The Immigration and Customs Enforcement office have hugely increased arrests since he took office, entering schools, homeless shelters, domestic violence court cases, hospitals. This viral video horrifying people shows what happens when a huge Trump supporter thinks he can turn the power ICE has to destroy people’s lives to his own petty uses.

Activist Shaun King shared a video taken at a Fresh Kitchen in midtown Manhattan of a man having a total meltdown because two workers were speaking to one another in Spanish. 

He escalates into saying they’re probably undocumented and supported via his tax dollars by welfare. Yes, they’re clearly employed, but this racist won’t be defeated by logic. 

He then threatens to call ICE on them, again, for the “crime” of speaking a second language. He tops it all off by calling one of the women fat.

The video is horrifying for so many reasons, it’s hard to choose just one.

But it didn’t take long for the dude to be discovered. King alleges that the man is an attorney named Aaron Schlossberg, and his day just took a turn.

RIP your mentions.

This sort of viral fame isn’t great for business, either.

A lot of people were reminded of the recent video of a white woman who called the police on a group of black people barbecuing food in Oakland.

Some people said they were surprised that someone who lives in Manhattan could be so shocked and horrified by someone speaking Spanish, but racism is everywhere:

The man in question has possibly ripped the phone cord out of the wall by now, since he may have an anger-management problem. Yet, he’s still safer than all of the men, women, and children in the hands of ICE. And that’s Trump’s America.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

“Laurel” or “Yanny”? The Audio Clip That’s Puzzling Us All

“Laurel” or “Yanny”? The Audio Clip That’s Puzzling Us All

It’s been three years since the dress that stumped the internet. 

When the mother of a bride sent her daughter this photo, causing a disagreement over its color that would spread so widely, its hashtag would amass over 10 million mentions within the post’s first week.

This debate garnered viral attention after a friend of the bride’s posted the image on Tumblr and no one on the internet could agree on what they saw. 

Earlier today, a new kind of controversy sparked across Twitter when people were asked to pick which of these words they hear in this clip:

It’s basically the audio equivalent of the dress debacle all over again.

Most of us can only hear one of the words (names?)

#TeamLaurel all the way.

Others, after searching long and hard, are still torn between the options.

Admittedly, some are more dedicated to this debate than others:

As it turns out,

Apparently, you can hear “yanny” at a low volume with little to no bass and “laurel” when the volume and bass are high.

It’s tripping everyone out and lowkey making us question everything.

Oh, internet, where will we go from here.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Everyone Wants This Guy As Their Teacher After Seeing His Weekend Assignment

Remember being a kid and having insane amounts of homework every weekend that you basically ignored until Sunday night, when you would completely meltdown? It’s called the learning process, and it’s great.

Just kidding! Homework is horrible, and I barely ever retained anything from it, personally. Apparently some teachers are pretty sick of the system, too. Journalist Jane Martin shared a letter sent home with her kid from All Saints’ School in London. In it, a teacher named Mr. Tucker gives very specific instructions for how to prepare for the SATs that she absolutely loved:

It was so important he included a checklist:

They’re well-balanced requirements that include both activity and sitting on the couch:

Candy and friendship:

General chillaxing:

And it has some flexibility, if you want to take an hour break to study:

Mr. Tucker signed off by saying it’s his job to worry about their upcoming test, and theirs to feel good. Wow. 

Mr. Tucker’s approach is in the minority:

And some people are pretty miffed that he would dare to try and make school a more positive experience for this generation:

But actually Mr. Tucker is not the only teacher who thinks stress doesn’t help when it comes to learning. Similar letters have been handed out at other schools:

It’s incredibly refreshing to see schools trying to prioritize letting kids be kids—as long as Mr. Tucker is okay.

He’s fine! Probably.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Google Searches That Show Racism Embedded In the Algorithm

Racism existed before search engines, but Google has consistently not worked to prevent it.

Let’s look at some times Google’s algorithms could have done better.

1. The now classic example: the difference between searching for “three black teenagers” and “three white teenagers”

2. That time Google insisted that white people do not steal cars.

3. This Instagram user’s child began to Google “Why are asteroids…” when Google decided to take over and ask “Why are asians bad drivers?” 

4. And it’s not the first time Google has reinforced racial stereotypes through their suggested text. 

5. Here are some claims Google makes about Jewish people.

6. And here’s a stereotype the search engine feels is worth perpetuating.

Now, let’s dig a little deeper into the history of racist Google and the search engine’s responses to complaints. Remember the example we used in #1?

In 2016, 18 year old Kabir Alli Googled a simple phrase: “three black teenagers.” What appeared went viral: mugshots of black teenagers. When he googled “three white teenagers” the result was completely different: happy groups of white teenagers laughing and hanging out.

The outpouring of anger led to an apology from Google but also a statement that there was little they could do regarding the algorithm. Since this occurrence, people have tried to get Google to take for responsibility for their algorithm and recognize that the search engine is not neutral.

In her book, Algorithms of Oppression: How Search Engines Reinforce Racism, published this year by NYU Press, Safiya Umoja Noble explores how Google does not do enough to combat racism in the search engine and actually reinforces racial stereotypes.  Noble, an Assistant Professor at the University of Southern California teaches classes on the intersection of race, class, and the internet. 

At Google in 2017, 91% of employees were white or asian. Additionally, only 31% of their workforce identified as women. When it comes to the tech portions of the corporation it gets even worse, with only 20% women and 80% men employees

Noble argues that algorithms are not neutral: they are created by people and filled with bias. Based on her extensive research, Noble believes that Google must take responsibility for the racism of the search engine. Algorithms are composed in computer code, and like all languages, this language reflects the culture it is created in. 

Noble found that Googling “black girls” quickly leads to porn. It also doesn’t take long when Googling “asian girls” to find sexualized women, wearing little clothing. When Googling “successful woman,” she most often found images of white women. 

When these instances emerge, Google always blames them on their “neutral” algorithm and does small fixes to those specific searches to change them. Noble argues that Google needs to take responsibility and have a larger reckoning, completely reworking algorithms.

Instead of opening up portals of information and increased understanding across difference, Google is reinforcing old stereotypes and giving them new life. To describe this, Noble coined a term “technological redlining” echoing racist housing practices of the second half of the 20th century. Today, technological companies are making invisible the way their programs and algorithms make decisions, and are effectively hiding the biases.  

As Safiya Umoja Noble recognizes, there are so many ways Google and other search engines could do better. 

First, tech companies need to recognize that algorithms are not inherently neutral. There is no easy fix for widespread biases, but  a more diverse workforce could begin to help these issues. 

Google is just the beginning, Noble hopes other tech companies like Yelp will learn similar lessons.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

How This Guy Scammed UPS Shouldn't Have Been This Easy, But It Was

Sometimes criminal plans are so stupid, that they just work because someone is bold enough to try it.

Like that guy who casually stole $ 1.6 million in gold from the back of an armored truck in NYC and managed to get it back home, cut it up, launder it, and make it to his home country of Ecuador.

Sure, he was ultimately caught, but now the dude has a book deal and is doing interviews about his escape, so it’s a win-win for the opportunistic criminal. And all it took for him was to hoist a bucket out of the back of an armored truck when no one was looking. Seems like an obvious tactic most people wouldn’t attempt, on account of the guards being armed and all – the whole thing just seems too simple to work, but it did. 

It’s that same criminal simplicity that temporarily worked for this Chicago man who was seemingly able to, on paper, make his home address Atlanta’s UPS Headquarters. Which not only netted him a lot of mail, but some cash to boot.

Dushaun Henderson-Spruce allegedly didn’t need to do much to convince everyone that the Atlanta, Georgia UPS headquarters business address was his home – all he needed to do was grab a USPS change of address form and fill it out.

The Chicago Tribune reported that Spruce even messed up while filling out the form: “Henderson-Spruce did not identify himself on the one-page form. At first, the initials ‘HS’ were written on the signature line, but the initials were then scratched out and replaced with ‘UPS,’ according to the charges,” 

After the shoddily change of address form was submitted, it didn’t take long for all of UPS’ corporate mail to be forwarded to Hendeson-Spruce’s apartment in the North Side of Chicago. He was receiving tons and tons of mail every single day.

Sometimes it was handed directly to him, other days it was placed in a ginormous UPS tub right outside of his door because all of the correspondence wouldn’t fit in his mailbox. And it wasn’t just bills and coupons Henderson-Spruce was receiving: it was paychecks and credit cards.

Roughly 10 checks made out to UPS worth a collective $ 58,000 were deposited into Henderson’s bank account, and the affidavit doesn’t indicate whether or not he used the corporate American Express credit cards that were sent to his home.

Henderson had accumulated some 3,000+ pieces of mail intended for the UPS corporate office in Atlanta, which also included personal employee data, before UPS’ security team started to get suspicious. Postal Inspectors eventually paid Henderson a visit at his apartment, where they managed to have a little chat.

Spruce told them that he worked at a company-facility part-time back in 2012. When The Tribune interviewed Henderson-Spruce, he intimated that all of the mail was forwarded to his house as a result of some kind of mix-up, but he didn’t explain the situation any further.

He was charged with misdemeanor bank fraud and the possession of a stolen check. But now he is facing a federal offenses for mail theft and fraud, which carry maximum sentences of 5 and 20 years respectively.

Henderson’s story is prompting a lot of people to ask a very obvious question: how the heck was it so easy for someone to do this, and what’s stopping others from doing exactly the same thing?

Understandably, people are freaking out that their own mail can be forwarded to pretty much anywhere someone wants. I mean just look at how easy it was for a major corporation’s mail to be forwarded to an individual apartment in an entirely different state.

But it prompted a discussion on change of address procedures and what would be done to ultimately prevent such glaring cases of fraud for going on as long as Henderson’s did.

As far as the USPS is concerned, however, it’s not a big enough problem for them to worry about because percentage-wise, change of address fraud isn’t that common. To put it in perspective, 37 million change of address requests were processed last year and 99.9 percent of them were deemed to be totally kosher.

“The rate of suspicious transactions reported by customers is less than 1/10 of 1 percent and many of the complaints are determined not to be related to fraud. A number of these complaints can be traced to domestic or other disputes between families and friends, who have access as a result of their relationship to information which allows one to forward mail. Still others can be attributed to service-related issues.

“We are continuously implementing security enhancements to enhance the security of our change of address process. We continue to assess these options, as we determine the best alternatives to protect the needs of our customers.” – USPS in a statement to NPR.

The simplicity of Henderson’s plan, despite what USPS says, has got some people admiring his bold criminal approach.

And it’s got some thinking that, hey, if it’s that easy, they should commit some change of address fraud of their own for a little while.

Maybe don’t get it re-routed to your home address and deposit the checks in an overseas account if you’re going to try and follow in Henderson’s footsteps. Not that you should, obviously, but still.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify