17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. I’d watch this movie.

2. I hope the clarification is something along the lines of, “LOL you believed me, idiot?!”

3. Well, well, well.

4. Deep down inside you had to know there was a reason for your persistent alcoholism.

5. Wait, they’re arming these roosters now?!

6. Ahh the old, “I’m too fat to be a rapist” strategy.

7. KFC? No way. Now Popeye’s is a different story…

8. The day the margaritas died.

9. “He would’ve wanted this.”

10. “It’s time to tackle the real evil in society!”

11. Missouri…what are you doing?

12. You know, he gets a bad rap for no reason.

13. Imagine what he could do with a sloppy joe.

14. Goodbye, you legend.

15. An appropriate response.

16. Millennials will stop at nothing when it comes to their diabolical plot to incorporate avocados into every aspect of life.

17. These kids are awesome. End of discussion.

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Roy Moore Just Doubled Down On Refusing To Concede, With An Even More Absurd Excuse

On Tuesday, December 12, Republican Roy Moore lost the special election to fill Attorney General Jeff Session’s vacant Senate seat. Senator-elect Doug Jones is the first Democrat Alabama has elected since the early 1990s, in part due to myriad controversies surrounding Moore. Judge Moore has been twice removed from the bench as a result of his defiance of federal rulings. Just last year, he was ousted after ordering probate judges to ignore the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage and  refuse marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

In a move anyone familiar with Moore’s history will find unsurprising, the former candidate is refusing to concede the election to Jones, claiming he is waiting for every ballot to be counted. 

Moore is now suggesting voter fraud may have played a role in his loss.

In a December 15 email to his supporters, Moore asked for contributions to his “Election Integrity Fund” and claimed, “this battle is NOT OVER!”  

Moore released a video in which he continues his campaign rhetoric while undercutting the results of Tuesday’s election:

Some people predicted this scenario:

Even  Moore’s Republican allies, including President Donald Trump (who went so far as to cut a robo-call in support of the candidate), have said Moore should concede the race.  

Sen. John Thune (R-SD) said of the loss:

So we have to deal now with another Democrat in the Senate, but Roy Moore lost that election. It’s over. We’ll move on and do the best that we can in the days ahead to continue to move an agenda forward that is good for the American people.

Doug Jones acknowledged on NBC’s Today Show that sometimes it’s difficult to move on from a bitterly fought race, but also said there was “no doubt” in his mind regarding the results of the elections, and that Moore would “do well to go ahead and let’s get this behind us.” The results of the election will be officially certified between December 26 and January 3. 

Alabama’s secretary of state, John Merrill, believes it is “highly unlikely” Jones will not be declared the winner.

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Roy Moore Just Doubled Down On Refusing To Concede, With An Even More Absurd Excuse

On Tuesday, December 12, Republican Roy Moore lost the special election to fill Attorney General Jeff Session’s vacant Senate seat. Senator-elect Doug Jones is the first Democrat Alabama has elected since the early 1990s, in part due to myriad controversies surrounding Moore. Judge Moore has been twice removed from the bench as a result of his defiance of federal rulings. Just last year, he was ousted after ordering probate judges to ignore the Supreme Court’s decision on same-sex marriage and  refuse marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

In a move anyone familiar with Moore’s history will find unsurprising, the former candidate is refusing to concede the election to Jones, claiming he is waiting for every ballot to be counted. 

Moore is now suggesting voter fraud may have played a role in his loss.

In a December 15 email to his supporters, Moore asked for contributions to his “Election Integrity Fund” and claimed, “this battle is NOT OVER!”  

Moore released a video in which he continues his campaign rhetoric while undercutting the results of Tuesday’s election:

Some people predicted this scenario:

Even  Moore’s Republican allies, including President Donald Trump (who went so far as to cut a robo-call in support of the candidate), have said Moore should concede the race.  

Sen. John Thune (R-SD) said of the loss:

So we have to deal now with another Democrat in the Senate, but Roy Moore lost that election. It’s over. We’ll move on and do the best that we can in the days ahead to continue to move an agenda forward that is good for the American people.

Doug Jones acknowledged on NBC’s Today Show that sometimes it’s difficult to move on from a bitterly fought race, but also said there was “no doubt” in his mind regarding the results of the elections, and that Moore would “do well to go ahead and let’s get this behind us.” The results of the election will be officially certified between December 26 and January 3. 

Alabama’s secretary of state, John Merrill, believes it is “highly unlikely” Jones will not be declared the winner.

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This Woman Just Blasted H&M For Their Absurd Clothing Sizes, And Others Can Relate

Lowri Byrne of the United Kingdom went in to an H&M to buy clothing in May. What she came out with was viral celebrity.

The problem that she had in the changing rooms is apparently one that is rather common, regardless of where you come from. The issue? H&M’s clothing sizes.

Your humble writer gave up on H&M many, many years ago because the sizes he actually fit in made him feel like an overweight monster. Lowri had a similar experience.

Lowri posted a photo of the outfit in question, and a scathing and sarcastic message alongside of it, directly to H&M’s Facebook page.

“Please sort your sizes out because this is absolutely ridiculous! I’m a size 12 and small busted and today in a H&M store I had to ask if this dress came in a size 18 (it didn’t…) 

The dress I have on in these photos is a size 16, and I could barely breathe. Not only was this annoying because I wanted to buy this dress, but so many women take what size dress they buy to heart. If I was one of these girls (thankfully I’m not) requesting a size 18 dress would seriously devastate me!

When I asked if this dress came in a 18 the store assistant said “ahh yeah you have to go up a couple of sizes with these”. A couple?!? going up 3-4 sizes surely should make you realise that you need to seriously sort out sizing!!!”

The post went promptly viral, gathering almost 4,000 reactions, 355 shares, and 586 comments. Mostly all of them were in favor, and in agreement.

H&M, to their credit, did issue the following official statement:

“H&M hugely values all customer feedback. It is only ever our intention to design and make clothes that make our customers feel good about themselves, any other outcome is neither intended nor desired. H&M’s sizes are global and the sizes offered in the U.K. are the same in all the 66 markets in which we operate in and online. 

As there is no global mandatory sizing standard, sizes will differ between brands and different markets. Our dedicated, in-house sizing department works according to an average of the sizes and measurements suggested by the markets we operate in. H&M sizes are continually reviewed by our in-house sizing department.”

Will H&M ever catch up with the rest of the world and provide sizing that doesn’t make people feel gross? We won’t hold our breath… unless we’re trying to fit into a pair of their jeans.

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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

Seriously, anything goes in America at this point.

What’s most absurd about this is that Sean Spicer actually hid in bushes. In real life. To avoid journalists.

But by all means, keeping gassing and firehosing protesters.

I just wish someone who thought the play was too “preachy” and over-dramatized the effects of racism saw that.

I mean, what else would you do with your money?

To quote Titus: “What kind of white nonsense is this?”

Never underestimate the power of the senate.

This craptastic festival story just gets stranger and stranger.

“We gotta use catapults, they’ve gotta be yuge!”

Wait…so those videos are real?!

Seriously, did no one beta-test with the coke fiends, first?

“If you don’t stop crying this instant, ya infant…”

There’s officially a President more corrupt and villified than Richard Nixon. Rest easy, Dick, you’re not the worst.

Please tell me they’re made by Acme enterprises.

Now it’s living up to its name.

God forbid someone exercises their right to free speech.

19. Man from Katy, TX who ordered prostitute discovers that she is his own wife

The real question is, how much did she charge him?

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17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

These are the stories that matter.

I’m just imagining a bro-doctor working day and night to come up with this method to hit on a coworker.

They’re also not fond of “Australia”, it’s now officially called “Down Under” or “English Convict Island”.

Looks like this dude’s gunning hard for the most out-of-touch jerkface politician award.

I hope they wipe these criminals out.

I hope the judge looked him before hitting the gavel and said, “Does not compute.”

Don’t you just love it when politicians presume to know what an all-powerful deity would’ve done?

This guy is the an idol to 13-year-old boys everywhere.

I know I’m getting old when I start siding with the woman.

Holy crap this cheating ex is brutal.

I always wondered what it would take to get a Wal-Mart greeter sacked. Good to know it’s curious turkeys.

I don’t think I’d ever agree with that statement, but the story’s kinda messed up.

Even a road will kill you in Russia.

Now if they were Sun Chips, I’d understand…

Oh really? Because I thought that tax dollars came from taxpayers, like, you know, citizens. Unless you’re getting money from private corporations, which is, you know, illegal.

Ahh, the old, “you can’t arrest me while I’m eating a McMuffin” defense.

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18 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

When you gotta make money, you get creative.

How the hell would that work?

I mean they are pretty awesome.

Thank God, blood isn’t as refreshing as it sounds.

“The bombs bursting in aiiiiir.”

I can’t share an area code with plebs!

When life gives you lemons…sell guns kids.

There’s a best tree award?

Just when I was getting used to this new diet.

Props to New Zealand for keeping up with the times.

Who knew the Israelites were so down with Britney?

What a sh**y way to go out.

For him, it’s a lifestyle.

You figured they’d just laugh it off.

I wish this was the extent of the problems with our nation’s leader.

Tag a different kind of wall.

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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Donald Trump too hard to satirise, say South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone


south park

They should parody him by making him an actually good President in the show.

2. Virginia used to have an official groundhog; it killed itself on Groundhog Day


newyork1

He won’t take part in your insulting ceremonies.

3. Police station fumigated after men caught in store sex act, report says


elitebugkillers

“It smells like sex in here. Oh well, only one way to fix that.”

4. ‘Tinder for orangutans’: zoo lets female primate choose mate using tablet


animal press

This Dunston Checks In sequel should’ve never been produced by Cinemax.

5. Woman won’t stop spending at Kmart, boyfriend complains


kmart

The craziest part about this headline is that there are still K-Marts around.

6. Man charged with stealing Roll Up The Rim Tim Hortons cups


victoriabuzz

You gotta win those prizes any way that you can.

7. Workington police blow up ‘suspicious’ car parked by fellow officers


bbci

This is why communication is very, very important ladies and gentlemen.

8. Good Samaritan offers man a ride, winds up ‘getaway driver’ in Columbia bank heist


magiccity

No good deed goes unpunished.

9. Man shot cat that ‘looked at him like it owned the place’


telegraph

Listen, I’m not condoning violence against animals, but I totally get where this guy is coming from.

10. Johnny Depp spent $ 3 million blasting Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes out of a cannon, ex-managers claim in lawsuit


independent

Hey it’s his money, he can do what he want with it. That’s a good friend right there.

11. Oldest Prostate Stones Ever Found Suggest a Man Was in Agony 12,000 Years Ago

1
seeker

Doesn’t help him now, does it?

12. Five years of ‘no dinners out, no entertainment, no sports’ for two company execs who evaded taxes

You mean, jail?

13. Neither Donald Trump nor Sean Spicer Seem to Know That Frederick Douglass Is Dead


george k. warren

“He plays for the Bucks, right?”

14. Denis Leary acknowledges he looks exactly like Kellyanne Conway, eyes Oscar-winning role


independent

Would be the funniest thing he’s ever done since the a**hole song.

15. New DC comic reinvents Snagglepuss as ‘Gay Southern Gothic Playwright’


hanna barbera

If anyone wants to get me a gift, please get me this.

16. Man’s daily vodka intake calcified his pancreas


getty

I’ve been wondering when/how they were going to reboot this character.

17. Police commissioner all smiles after domestic violence arrest


south hackensack

Poor soul, he thinks that just because the President could get away with treating women like sh*t that he can too.

18. Clean energy subsidies could be used to build new coal power plants, Scott Morrison says


abc

Yeah I mean, coal’s super clean, even canaries can breathe it in. That’s why miners would bring them down in the tunnels so much.

19. In corruption-riddled Romania, officials now allow room for modest abuses


pressrom

They should call it “the partial scumbag” initiative.

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The Most Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened In 2016

2016 has been a brutal 365 days, here are the craziest headlines from the year that most people agree was an absolute piece of steaming hot garbage.

1. What a stinker.

2. You matched with chlamydia

3. It’s a slippery slope.

4. Please kill me, please kill me, I can’t take anymore Barney…

5. And they say romance is dead.

6. Where are they? So I know to, uhh, avoid them.

7. This entire election was something out of a comedy.

8. Someone let Russia know.

9. Isn’t that, like, the opposite of what Yoga is?

10. This post 9/11 world sucks.

11. That’s why my friend was so excited for Hannukkah this year.

12. Poor Khloe can’t catch a break.

13. I could’ve told you that

14. That’s one way to raise a child…

15. I would pay good money to see a bike and horse chase.

16. Kid’s got a bright future ahead of them.

17. How do you mix that up?

18. If it exists, there’s porn of it.

19. What if you just lose a lot of weight really quickly?

20. But it was for a CHARIZARD.

21. Guess there’s competition in pretty much every line of work.

22. He was such a sweet man…

23. It would’ve been great if it turned out to be Britney Spears instead.

24. Dance…NOW! Have fun, or die!!

25. “Hit it off.”

26. After using this, crapping anywhere else must really suck.

27. That’s what they want you to believe.

28. Raccoons hate drunk driving; little-known fact.

29. Yes, those kinds of aliens.

30. Ahh yes, the notorious spy pigeon.

31. How do you confuse farts for a child?

32. “Come on babe, what’s the worst that could happen?”

33. Were there not enough women to suggest for the list or something?

34. You can never be too high on the lord.

35. Well if you’re going to have sex for one kind of food, then…

36. Or why not use both?

37. So if your GF brings up something stupid you said years ago, that’s the reason.

38. I mean a talking snowman is pretty terrifying.

39. Now that’s a horse who lives up to its name.

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Recommended article: The Guardian’s Summary of Julian Assange’s Interview Went Viral and Was Completely False.

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17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Wannabe Weatherman Arrested for Starting Wildfire to Get Facebook Views


wcmh

People like sensationalism, can you blame him?

2. New York Times publisher vows to ‘rededicate’ paper to reporting honestly


 huffingtonpost

Guess I’ll disregard everything I’ve read in the paper up until today.

3. Suspected car thief tells police he was ‘tired of walking’


kent county jail

That’s a lot of work to be so lazy.

4. Amazon delivery drivers ‘feel compelled to defecate in vans’ to save time


independent

Don’t blame your van crapping fetish on Amazon.

5. Burglar tells police he is lawyer and to “get out of my garden if you don’t have a warrant”


psni

The balls on this guy.

6. Zuckerberg Denies Fake News On Facebook Had Impact On The Election


getty

How could it be fake? I saw it on the internet?!

7. Anti-pirating ad music stolen


screenrant

The freaking music they used in an anti-piracy ad was pirated. Wow.

8. George W. Bush paints portraits of veterans wounded carrying out his orders


whnt

“Sorry I made you lose your legs for corporate interests. Here’s a painting.”

9. Man buys yard sign to pressure sex offender to move


abclocal

I wish I was there to hear what the guy at the sign shop said when he got this call.

10. Dead Man Wins City Election In California; Female Rival Calls Foul

Damn. Americans hate women in politics so much they’d rather elect a corpse or Donald Trump.

11. Facebook sorry for ‘terrible error’ that killed off still-living users


cbc

How crazy would it be if it put your date of death on a specific day in the near future?

12. Kraftwerk’s Buenos Aires show could be cancelled due to electronic music ban


exclaim!

Guess they’re more into metal.

13. Louisiana tax commissioner resigns after it’s discovered he didn’t pay taxes


nola

He could always run for President.

14. Rats laugh when tummy tickled, top scientists reveal


the northern echo

Glad they got the top scientists on the case.

15. City of Denver doesn’t know who’s running “city of Denver” Instagram account


9news

Insert marijuana short term memory loss joke here.

16. Fan plans Cleveland Browns ‘perfect season’ parade as team stays winless


yimg

They have to know they’re being ironic.

17. Man arrested for being too high on the Lord


pixel

You can never be too high on the Lord. That’s sacrilege!

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