17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. I’d watch this movie.

2. I hope the clarification is something along the lines of, “LOL you believed me, idiot?!”

3. Well, well, well.

4. Deep down inside you had to know there was a reason for your persistent alcoholism.

5. Wait, they’re arming these roosters now?!

6. Ahh the old, “I’m too fat to be a rapist” strategy.

7. KFC? No way. Now Popeye’s is a different story…

8. The day the margaritas died.

9. “He would’ve wanted this.”

10. “It’s time to tackle the real evil in society!”

11. Missouri…what are you doing?

12. You know, he gets a bad rap for no reason.

13. Imagine what he could do with a sloppy joe.

14. Goodbye, you legend.

15. An appropriate response.

16. Millennials will stop at nothing when it comes to their diabolical plot to incorporate avocados into every aspect of life.

17. These kids are awesome. End of discussion.

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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

Seriously, anything goes in America at this point.

What’s most absurd about this is that Sean Spicer actually hid in bushes. In real life. To avoid journalists.

But by all means, keeping gassing and firehosing protesters.

I just wish someone who thought the play was too “preachy” and over-dramatized the effects of racism saw that.

I mean, what else would you do with your money?

To quote Titus: “What kind of white nonsense is this?”

Never underestimate the power of the senate.

This craptastic festival story just gets stranger and stranger.

“We gotta use catapults, they’ve gotta be yuge!”

Wait…so those videos are real?!

Seriously, did no one beta-test with the coke fiends, first?

“If you don’t stop crying this instant, ya infant…”

There’s officially a President more corrupt and villified than Richard Nixon. Rest easy, Dick, you’re not the worst.

Please tell me they’re made by Acme enterprises.

Now it’s living up to its name.

God forbid someone exercises their right to free speech.

19. Man from Katy, TX who ordered prostitute discovers that she is his own wife

The real question is, how much did she charge him?

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17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

These are the stories that matter.

I’m just imagining a bro-doctor working day and night to come up with this method to hit on a coworker.

They’re also not fond of “Australia”, it’s now officially called “Down Under” or “English Convict Island”.

Looks like this dude’s gunning hard for the most out-of-touch jerkface politician award.

I hope they wipe these criminals out.

I hope the judge looked him before hitting the gavel and said, “Does not compute.”

Don’t you just love it when politicians presume to know what an all-powerful deity would’ve done?

This guy is the an idol to 13-year-old boys everywhere.

I know I’m getting old when I start siding with the woman.

Holy crap this cheating ex is brutal.

I always wondered what it would take to get a Wal-Mart greeter sacked. Good to know it’s curious turkeys.

I don’t think I’d ever agree with that statement, but the story’s kinda messed up.

Even a road will kill you in Russia.

Now if they were Sun Chips, I’d understand…

Oh really? Because I thought that tax dollars came from taxpayers, like, you know, citizens. Unless you’re getting money from private corporations, which is, you know, illegal.

Ahh, the old, “you can’t arrest me while I’m eating a McMuffin” defense.

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18 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

When you gotta make money, you get creative.

How the hell would that work?

I mean they are pretty awesome.

Thank God, blood isn’t as refreshing as it sounds.

“The bombs bursting in aiiiiir.”

I can’t share an area code with plebs!

When life gives you lemons…sell guns kids.

There’s a best tree award?

Just when I was getting used to this new diet.

Props to New Zealand for keeping up with the times.

Who knew the Israelites were so down with Britney?

What a sh**y way to go out.

For him, it’s a lifestyle.

You figured they’d just laugh it off.

I wish this was the extent of the problems with our nation’s leader.

Tag a different kind of wall.

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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Donald Trump too hard to satirise, say South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone

south park

They should parody him by making him an actually good President in the show.

2. Virginia used to have an official groundhog; it killed itself on Groundhog Day


He won’t take part in your insulting ceremonies.

3. Police station fumigated after men caught in store sex act, report says


“It smells like sex in here. Oh well, only one way to fix that.”

4. ‘Tinder for orangutans’: zoo lets female primate choose mate using tablet

animal press

This Dunston Checks In sequel should’ve never been produced by Cinemax.

5. Woman won’t stop spending at Kmart, boyfriend complains


The craziest part about this headline is that there are still K-Marts around.

6. Man charged with stealing Roll Up The Rim Tim Hortons cups


You gotta win those prizes any way that you can.

7. Workington police blow up ‘suspicious’ car parked by fellow officers


This is why communication is very, very important ladies and gentlemen.

8. Good Samaritan offers man a ride, winds up ‘getaway driver’ in Columbia bank heist


No good deed goes unpunished.

9. Man shot cat that ‘looked at him like it owned the place’


Listen, I’m not condoning violence against animals, but I totally get where this guy is coming from.

10. Johnny Depp spent $ 3 million blasting Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes out of a cannon, ex-managers claim in lawsuit


Hey it’s his money, he can do what he want with it. That’s a good friend right there.

11. Oldest Prostate Stones Ever Found Suggest a Man Was in Agony 12,000 Years Ago


Doesn’t help him now, does it?

12. Five years of ‘no dinners out, no entertainment, no sports’ for two company execs who evaded taxes

You mean, jail?

13. Neither Donald Trump nor Sean Spicer Seem to Know That Frederick Douglass Is Dead

george k. warren

“He plays for the Bucks, right?”

14. Denis Leary acknowledges he looks exactly like Kellyanne Conway, eyes Oscar-winning role


Would be the funniest thing he’s ever done since the a**hole song.

15. New DC comic reinvents Snagglepuss as ‘Gay Southern Gothic Playwright’

hanna barbera

If anyone wants to get me a gift, please get me this.

16. Man’s daily vodka intake calcified his pancreas


I’ve been wondering when/how they were going to reboot this character.

17. Police commissioner all smiles after domestic violence arrest

south hackensack

Poor soul, he thinks that just because the President could get away with treating women like sh*t that he can too.

18. Clean energy subsidies could be used to build new coal power plants, Scott Morrison says


Yeah I mean, coal’s super clean, even canaries can breathe it in. That’s why miners would bring them down in the tunnels so much.

19. In corruption-riddled Romania, officials now allow room for modest abuses


They should call it “the partial scumbag” initiative.

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The Most Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened In 2016

2016 has been a brutal 365 days, here are the craziest headlines from the year that most people agree was an absolute piece of steaming hot garbage.

1. What a stinker.

2. You matched with chlamydia

3. It’s a slippery slope.

4. Please kill me, please kill me, I can’t take anymore Barney…

5. And they say romance is dead.

6. Where are they? So I know to, uhh, avoid them.

7. This entire election was something out of a comedy.

8. Someone let Russia know.

9. Isn’t that, like, the opposite of what Yoga is?

10. This post 9/11 world sucks.

11. That’s why my friend was so excited for Hannukkah this year.

12. Poor Khloe can’t catch a break.

13. I could’ve told you that

14. That’s one way to raise a child…

15. I would pay good money to see a bike and horse chase.

16. Kid’s got a bright future ahead of them.

17. How do you mix that up?

18. If it exists, there’s porn of it.

19. What if you just lose a lot of weight really quickly?

20. But it was for a CHARIZARD.

21. Guess there’s competition in pretty much every line of work.

22. He was such a sweet man…

23. It would’ve been great if it turned out to be Britney Spears instead.

24. Dance…NOW! Have fun, or die!!

25. “Hit it off.”

26. After using this, crapping anywhere else must really suck.

27. That’s what they want you to believe.

28. Raccoons hate drunk driving; little-known fact.

29. Yes, those kinds of aliens.

30. Ahh yes, the notorious spy pigeon.

31. How do you confuse farts for a child?

32. “Come on babe, what’s the worst that could happen?”

33. Were there not enough women to suggest for the list or something?

34. You can never be too high on the lord.

35. Well if you’re going to have sex for one kind of food, then…

36. Or why not use both?

37. So if your GF brings up something stupid you said years ago, that’s the reason.

38. I mean a talking snowman is pretty terrifying.

39. Now that’s a horse who lives up to its name.

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Recommended article: The Guardian’s Summary of Julian Assange’s Interview Went Viral and Was Completely False.


17 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Wannabe Weatherman Arrested for Starting Wildfire to Get Facebook Views


People like sensationalism, can you blame him?

2. New York Times publisher vows to ‘rededicate’ paper to reporting honestly


Guess I’ll disregard everything I’ve read in the paper up until today.

3. Suspected car thief tells police he was ‘tired of walking’

kent county jail

That’s a lot of work to be so lazy.

4. Amazon delivery drivers ‘feel compelled to defecate in vans’ to save time


Don’t blame your van crapping fetish on Amazon.

5. Burglar tells police he is lawyer and to “get out of my garden if you don’t have a warrant”


The balls on this guy.

6. Zuckerberg Denies Fake News On Facebook Had Impact On The Election


How could it be fake? I saw it on the internet?!

7. Anti-pirating ad music stolen


The freaking music they used in an anti-piracy ad was pirated. Wow.

8. George W. Bush paints portraits of veterans wounded carrying out his orders


“Sorry I made you lose your legs for corporate interests. Here’s a painting.”

9. Man buys yard sign to pressure sex offender to move


I wish I was there to hear what the guy at the sign shop said when he got this call.

10. Dead Man Wins City Election In California; Female Rival Calls Foul

Damn. Americans hate women in politics so much they’d rather elect a corpse or Donald Trump.

11. Facebook sorry for ‘terrible error’ that killed off still-living users


How crazy would it be if it put your date of death on a specific day in the near future?

12. Kraftwerk’s Buenos Aires show could be cancelled due to electronic music ban


Guess they’re more into metal.

13. Louisiana tax commissioner resigns after it’s discovered he didn’t pay taxes


He could always run for President.

14. Rats laugh when tummy tickled, top scientists reveal

the northern echo

Glad they got the top scientists on the case.

15. City of Denver doesn’t know who’s running “city of Denver” Instagram account


Insert marijuana short term memory loss joke here.

16. Fan plans Cleveland Browns ‘perfect season’ parade as team stays winless


They have to know they’re being ironic.

17. Man arrested for being too high on the Lord


You can never be too high on the Lord. That’s sacrilege!

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18 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Prove you’re not Saddam Hussein, Apple tells customer


Man, they’re getting really out of hand ever since those iPhone 7’s started exploding.

2. Officer gives himself a citation for running red light


Don’t even try getting out of a ticket with this dude. He won’t even let himself off the hook.

3. Ronald McDonald keeping low profile amid creepy clown craze


The Hamburglar is probably thinking this is his time to shine.

4. Council error directs voters to hardcore porn website



5. ‘Clown Lives Matter’ peace walk canceled after multiple threats


Listen, people have always hated clowns. Nothing will ever change that.

6. Gun, mace-toting guards try to manage crime, chaos at Chuck E. Cheese



7. Officer cleaning gun accidentally fires bullet into day care


Got to keep those kids on their toes.

8. India offers to buy 200 foreign combat jets – if they’re Made-in-India


But… that’s not what foreign means.

9. Hillary Clinton admits Tupac, Snoop Dogg, and Suge Knight influence her look


10. Seattle carjacking victim had to explain reverse gear to teen robbers


“JESUS just… just don’t mess up my car. Look, what you need to do is…”

11. Marines sentenced over bottom spanking ritual


Man, the military has really hit rock bottom…

12. Smash Mouth and Oakland A’s in Twitter war


If you’re trying to be relevant, Smash Mouth, you might want to pick a cooler baseball team than the Oakland Athletics.

13. More pets are getting high as marijuana legalization spreads


And they say that dreams can’t come true.

14. Monk arrested over fake money used in payment for date with girl


Monks date?!

15. Man Changes His Name to iPhone 7 in the Ultimate Act of Dedication


Man he’s gonna feel dumb around this time next year.

16. Brazil saw more violent deaths than war-torn Syria in 2015, report says


Just another day in Rio.

17. 20 boyfriends and 20 iPhones: How one Chinese woman bought a house


Go on…

18. Student crashes into cop while trying to take topless selfie for boyfriend

“Come on, it’s just one nude, it’s not a big deal…”

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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Thailand warns against price-gouging of black clothing as nation mourns king

the guardian

You gotta make a buck where you can, when you can.

2. Troopers: Man on LSD saves dog from imaginary fire

360 nobs

Hey, his intention was to be a hero.

3. Dallas grandma jailed after toddler who was supposed to be ‘knocked out’ in car wanders busy parking lot

dallas news

“I don’t understand, that punch would’ve laid out any other toddler!” – Definitely not what the woman said.

4. Drug Dealer Is Spared Jail Because The Stress Would ‘Ruin Her Skin’


Hey, in case you’re wondering what this “white privilege” stuff is that everyone’s talking about, that’s it.

5. Father unwittingly drove daughter to bank she robbed, police say

sun sentinel

“Yeah Dad I just need to go and…uhh…open a bank account.” (minutes later, panting) “Sorry, the lines were long and I uhh…just got my period.”

6. Learner driver gives Kingston police a lift to 999 call


Sounds like my worst nightmare.

7. Walker man jailed for attacking partner with a can of corned beef because he couldn’t open the tin

chronicle live

Eggs just aren’t the same without it.

8. Connecticut school apologizes for ‘Hitler’ football play


Upon further review, they’ve also decided to consider renaming the following other plays: ethnic cleansing, the jewel of Europe, and Make America Great Again.

9. UF offering counseling to students offended by Halloween costumes


All this triggering has got me triggered.

10. Release of 150 pigeons stayed as ‘they could have been meant for insurgency’

indian express

Those pigeons are notoriously shifty. The way they peck at bread? Two words: morse code.

11. How to prevent theft of political lawn signs. Try dog poop


It’s fool poop! I mean, proof.

12. Cleveland Browns’ Joe Thomas declares himself questionable for game due to ‘receding hairline’


If you’re not going bald, then you won’t understand.

13. We don’t deserve to be treated with such contempt over a $ 2 avocado


Yeah you do.

14. Russian Man Calls the Cops When Wife Tries to Raise Kids as Vegetarians


I mean, meat is important for the development of certain brain and connective tissues…

15. Driver distracted by moose accident hits moose: Cops


One of the most Canadian headlines ever written,

16. Moonwalking leads to heroin arrest, cops say


That’s not true! I’ve moonwalked a couple of times and I’ve never…well…just a couple of times…huh…

17. Man’s fiancée to murderer: ‘Why did you have to kill him over Deez Nuts?’


Judge: “I have multiple verdicts to read to you.”

Counsel: “We’d like to hear them.”

Judge: “What, these verdicts?”

Counsel: “Yes.”

Judge: “These? In my hand?”

Counsel: “Yes.”

Judge: “These?”

Counsel: “Yes! These!”

Judge: “Deez NUTS!”

Counsel: “….it’s not funny when you do it.”

Judge: “Defendant sentenced to death by electric chair.”

Counsel: “It’s a parking ticket!”

Judge: (mumbling, shuffling papers) “…deez nuts.”

18. When half a million drug users surrendered in the Philippines, authorities sent some of them to Zumba


You’re supposed to do drugs before you go to the zumba.

19. Gorilla escaped London Zoo enclosure ‘in honour of Harambe’


He shall be avenged.

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19 Absurd Headlines That Should Not Have Happened This Week

The truth isn’t always stranger than fiction, but in these cases, it totally is.

1. Man impersonating officer busted for attempting to pull over unmarked cruiser


God I wish I was there to witness that.

2. Ex-Power Rangers actor Ricardo Medina has pleaded not guilty to murdering his roommate with a sword


Zordon told him to do it.

3. NBC cancels its mail-order bride sitcom less than 72 hours after announcing it


Maybe turning human trafficking into a situational comedy wasn’t the best of ideas, the network shortly realized.

4. 102-year-old St. Louis woman checks ‘arrest’ off bucket list


“Thanks for holding my hand, officer, but, f*ck the police…sorry, had to cross that off the bucket list too.”

5. Egyptian MP demands women undergo virginity tests before being admitted to university


Actual quote from the guy proposing the bill: “No one should be upset by this decision. If you’re upset then that means you’re scared that your daughter is in an ‘urfi’ marriage behind your back.”

6. This man went insane to prove every Adam Sandler movie is connected


Like I’d understand if you did this for Scorcese or Tarantino’s films, but freaking Adam Sandler?

7. To get yogurt, kids at daycare had to play ‘smack for a snack’


Who let a bunch of cafeteria bullies open a daycare?

8. Barrie hospital patients angered by funeral home ads on parking gates

the star

“You need to pre-emptively meet the needs of the customer, Jim.”

9. United Airlines passenger told to switch seats as Pakistani man ‘did not want to sit next to woman’


Would’ve been great the passenger he switched seats with said, “Oh, I’m sorry, my religion doesn’t allow me to sit next to Pakistanis.”

10. Concrete truck falls into sinkhole while filling other hole in road


Of course it did.

11. Condom deserves a place in space says sexuality education association

Come on man, even aliens probably hate condoms.

12. Polk County man arrested for having milk crate


“I told you boy, this was a lactose free town!”

13. Man Shot 6 Times on Shotwell Street


“Son, did you not see the sign?”

14. Donald Trump has some Latinos so unnerved, they’re turning to the supernatural for help


It’s probably what the next paranormal activity movie’s going to be about.

15. Duke Offers Men A ‘Safe Space’ To Contemplate Their ‘Toxic Masculinity’


I want to go there and act like I’m a huge Britney Spears fan. “I just can’t get enough of that song. I know it’s been years since its debut, but…”

16. Iraq MP: Ancient Sumerians travelled space and discovered Pluto


Yeah well I drew a picture of me in space eating a donut, doesn’t mean I went to a Krispy Kreme on mars.

17. Minority students wear KKK costumes to school


“At least this way we won’t get shot.”

18. New Web Series Follows ‘Queer Ghost Hunters’ in Ohio


Producer: (hits blunt) “I just wanna hear someone with a lisp say “Ghosts” over and over again!”

2nd producer: “You know not all gay people have lisps, right?”

Producer: “Well that’s why we having a casting office, Brian.”

19. Pittsburgh man faces penalty if he can’t catch loud rooster

Record scratch, freeze frame. “You’re probably wondering how I got myself into this mess.”

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