This Grocery Store Trolled A Woman After She Went On A Hilarious Rant About Vegan Cheese

In case you haven’t seen the YouTube videos of their meltdowns, here’s an important fact to remember: vegans don’t eat cheese. So, in order to accommodate a variety of diets, the UK-based supermarket chain Sainsbury’s began carrying a line of coconut milk-based vegan cheese. 

It sounds a little gross, but no big deal, right? WRONG. 

One woman was NOT about to be duped by manipulative marketing techniques calling vegan cheese “cheese,” so she took to the chain’s Facebook page to speak her mind. 

Get ready:

CHEESE.

If you’re going to be a vegan don’t call your vegan cheese BECAUSE IT’S NOT CHEESE!!!!! As a real cheese fan myself it’s really annoyed me that Sainsbury’s have brought out a “Vegan Cheese” made with COCONUTS. CHEESE IS NOT MADE WITH COCONUTS. Call it Gary or something don’t call it Cheese because IT’S NOT CHEESE!!!!!! Just to recap, in case you have forgotten — cheese is a delicious food made mostly from the milk of cows but also other animals including sheep, goats, buffalo, reindeer, camels and yaks. Around 4000 years ago people have started to breed animals and process their milk. That’s when the cheese was born. So Sainburys can F off. Go enjoy your cheese less life. Don’t try to make up a substitute cheese and call it cheese because it’s not and you’ve decided your way of life. It’s ridiculous that they’ve used the word cheese!!! Don’t come to my Cheese and Wine Parties if you’re going to eat COCONUT CHEESE. (If you’re allergic to cheese I feel for you) If you’re a Vegan because you’ve chosen to be and not that you’re allergic I’m not interested in your views about vegan cheese or that ‘eating products from animals is bad.’

TBH, we sort of agree a little because NOTHING RUINS WINE AND CHEESE PARTIES LIKE VEGANS WITH THEIR FAKE COCONUT CHEESE. Cheese which we will now refer to only as “Gary or something.”

Attention all vegans: go enjoy your cheeseless life. You and your substitutes are dead to us. Your beliefs are invalid and no one likes you

Sainsbury’s, our new favorite UK-based supermarket chain, decided to take their dissatisfied customer’s concerns seriously and announced their new line of Gary. 

Quality customer service is not dead. 

Now the whole Gary thing is catching on everywhere… Because vegans, despite being no fun at wine and cheese parties, actually have a sense of humor. 

So, we hope everyone will oblige and accept the name change. Besides, “cheese” was sooo 2015. 

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Twitter Is Taking Us Back to 1995 When Trump Last Paid Taxes And It's Hilarious

After intense speculation about Republican presidential nominee and champion of women (jk) Donald Trump’s financial history, the New York Times released several pages of his 1995 tax returns. According to the Times, Trump lost $ 916 million in income that year, meaning he’d be able to take advantage of a rule allowing him to “cancel out an equivalent amount of taxable income over an 18-year period.” 

…So, yes, it’s possible that Donald Trump has not paid taxes since 1995. Since this revelation struck the Internet on Saturday, the hashtag #LastTimeTrumpPaidTaxes has been circulating on Twitter, taking us on a trip down memory lane to that glorious year. 

 

Let’s just say the technology situation back then was a little different. 

Ahh memories. 

Never forget. 

It feels like a lifetime ago. 

We would hardly recognize the entertainment world in an age of tax-paying Trump. 

TBH, we’d forgotten that there was a time when we couldn’t watch these stunners’ every move on TV. 

Was there any point to the music industry back when Trump paid taxes? 

…On, right, There definitely was. 

Actually, back when he paid taxes, Trump was entering a very suitable side gig in entertainment. 

And MTV was in its glory days. What a time. 

It really has been a long time, hasn’t it? 

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

5th Grade Girl Wrote A Hilarious Warning Note To A Boy Who Had A Crush On Her

Growing up is amazing. It’s a wonderful time in a person’s life when your mind is opening up and you’re making your transition from childhood to grown-up land. It’s intense, weird, and strangely beautiful.

And one of the best things about being a child is not having a filter — you feel compelled to say and do whatever you need to do in any situation. There’s an honesty in childhood that kind of gets lost on most people when they become adults.

But with that honesty comes a lot of brutal/hilarious situations.

Like this note a 5th grade teacher found one of her students, Zoe, wrote to a boy who likes her, Noah. And it’s a doozy.

It’s amazing to see that a child is capable of so much shade. Here are her full rules below:

  1. Do not touch my shoulder.

  2. Do not get behind me with all that playing + foolishness. (Don’t get behind me at all.)

  3. Do not speak to me unless it is a greeting, which will be never.

  4. Stop playing with me on the bus.

  5. I have a short temper with people and you ruin my day because you play 2 much. 

  6. Reread 500 times 

  7. You like me (as a gf) but I don’t like you (as a bf) I’m 2 young!

If you break any of these rules I’m calling my dad, my mom’s friend, my fake mom, and a janitor I know!

Shade level: infinity.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

This Mom Wrote A Hilarious List Of 20 Things You Should Know Before 'Pushing Out A Baby'

Having your first baby is an exhilarating experience until you realize that you have to look after the thing for the rest of your life and sleep is but a distant memory. 

Bekki Pope is a mom and blogger who runs the Facebook page and she’s got some experience in the whole baby thing. So for all the novices, she decided to write a list entitled “20 things to know when you’ve just pushed out a baby,” and it’s pretty damn hilarious. 

1. The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over….

2. Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.

3.. Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what’s in the back bit won’t be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do…

4. Your baby looks weird. Like… Really weird. ‘Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby’ etc will be said at you and you’ll accept other people’s opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.

5. Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Boys little nuggets are the size of whole walnut whips, but their willies are the size of the walnuts on the top that nobody wants. Apparently this ‘swelling’ goes down soon. If it doesn’t, expect ‘big bollocks’ to be part of your sons school nickname.

6. Their first poo is not actually poo. It’s tar. The midwives sneak in over night, fill your baby’s nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling ‘why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?’

7. Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It’s normal. It may feel like you’ll never be right again and that you’ll walk like John Wayne forever, and you might, but you’ll feel so much better for the shower. You’re literally washing away your sins. (If the baby was born out of wedlock anyway….)

8. Midwives like babies. They will come and pick yours up with no prior warning. They will squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies to make them crap, and fiddle with their face so much you’re sure the baby looks like it’s had botox when they give it back.

9. Your baby hates you. It’s not crying. It’s communicating with its master- the devil- about how successful their plan to destroy you is going. Seriously – it doesn’t actually hate you. It may seem like it never cries when anyone else holds it or that it enjoys keeping you up all night, but really, it is so dependant on you it’s embarrassing. Human babies are embarrassing.

10. You will say the word ‘latch’ more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment, you will feel like an actual proper mum.
And a cow.

11. There are people in hospital that can smell your vulnerability. They will take photos of your baby looking cute and then try and charge you a million pounds for it. They will scroll through the 50 photos they’ve taken of your baby in the same position, asking you to choose your favourites. and if you’ve got a partner like mine, that means you will have to re-mortgage your house by the time he’s done…

12. The hospital food is as bad as it is so that people decide they would rather be in pain and at home than eating ‘peaches and custard’. The custard is hot wee with a splash of breast milk mixed in, and the peaches are body parts that have been soaked in sugar over night. And don’t eat the chocolate mousse. Just don’t.

13. It farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes weird noises in its sleep that make you think you’re going to wake up and see Chucky in the cot- head spinning and laughing. You hope people know it’s the baby and not you. Not that you’d know if you were farting. Your sphincter muscle control is somewhat lacking at the moment.

14. Everyone you’ve ever met will want to come to the hospital to see you. People get overexcited about visiting hospitals. They feel VIP when they walk in to a ward. You are a VIP- a very in-pain person. And you look and feel like death. So only accept visitors if you are up to it. You’re still so high on drugs that making conversation with adults is like trying to sieve flour with a fishing net. Everything just pours out of you and none of the shit is stopped getting through…

15. Your tummy is now resembling a balloon that’s slowly deflating and feeling very sorry for itself. If you press it, you instantly conclude that it would make a fantastic trampoline for Stuart Little. Or that if you sliced it up right now, the hospital kitchen staff would use it and palm it off as nectarine jelly..

16. They want you on contraception straight away. Countless midwives will come and talk to you about how fertile you are and how likely you are to become pregnant again. They do however forget one crucial thing- you’re never having sex again. You never want to see a penis again. And if one comes near you, you’ll most likely destroy it for the sake of women everywhere. The end.

17. Everything’s angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn’t angry. It’s f@&king livid. Give it a while to calm down but right now, you and she ain’t friends…

18. People ask you if your milk has come in yet, and you half expect somebody dressed in a cravendale costume to waltz through the door and stay with you forever, handing you milk as and when your baby needs it. Not true. What actually happens is that, about 3 days in, your boobs start to leak like they have forgotten they are breasts and now believe they are garden sprinklers. Whose garden you don’t know, but at the rate they start pouring out it must be the Queen’s…

19. They want you to go home ASAP. You are taking up valuable bed space and now you have delivered your stinky human bundle and they’ve checked it over to make sure it isn’t a live Picasso painting, you’re free to leave. Don’t. Not until you’re ready. Get all the help and advice you need before going home. Because once you’re at home, your baby is expecting you to know what you’re doing and you’ll wish you’d stayed longer at the hospital. If to only delay the car seat fiasco a little longer…

20. Stop worrying. You’re not superwoman. There is no such thing as normal, and there is no such thing as perfect. You are your baby’s normal. You are your baby’s perfect. They aren’t judging you. They are completely reliant on you and being responsible for another human being is not a piece of cake. It’s a piece of ‘oh my god I can’t do this’. You can. And everyday will get easier. Breath mummy.
You just grew and pushed out a mini Mitchell brother. There’s nothing you can’t do.

Except sleep.
You can’t do that anymore.

Pope’s list was pretty relatable, earning 80,000 shares and thousands of comments from other moms. 

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

28 Hilarious Passive Aggressive Notes Written Purely Out Of Love

One time I smoked four bowls of weed of weed that was just too strong. I mean it was so strong it was just criminal, really. I did it while hanging out with friends. It was the first time I went to go visit them in their new place and well, we had a lot of fun and I took it a little too far with the amount of pot I smoked.

I ended up passing out on their couch while they played videogames and when I woke up, it was 6 a.m. and everyone was asleep. I was fine physically, but felt like a crappy friend because I just freaking zonked out in the middle of a chill session.

So I wrote them a note meekly apologizing for underestimation of the strength of my dank-ass Blue Dream. Because leaving notes is the polite thing to do. And these people know that.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

Chrissy Teigen Shared Her Horrifying 'Half-Naked' Hotel Employee Story And It's Hilarious

My fondest memory ever of a hotel is when I convinced my wife to smoke weed for the first time and we hotboxed the shower at the Borgata, got insanely high, had crazy sex for an hour straight, and then went and destroyed the buffet downstairs.

Good times was an understatement.

It wasn’t good times for whoever had to clean up the room afterwards, and even though hotels are “supposed” to be places where you go all out, that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel bad and a little embarrassed for the hotel employees faced with cleaning up after us.

But as humiliated as I was, I don’t think I can top Chrissy Teigen’s embarrassing story – because she had to face it in real time.

And although Teigen gets half-naked for a living, it’s kind of different when you’re carrying your baby and fearing for your life during a hectic fire drill.

During the fire drill debacle, Teigen’s mother (@pepperthai2) had some very serious concerns as well.

The whole thing was very disconcerting for Chrissy.

Thankfully, she uploaded a video for her followers, letting them know her and her mom were OK.

Even supermodels don’t like fire drills.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

People Are Sharing What It's Like Growing Up With A 'Weird' Name And It's Hilarious

I’m 30 years old. My name is Mustafa. Until before 1994 and the release of The Lion King, few people got my name wrong. Now, everyone calls me “Mufasa” before finally getting my name right. It’s fine, it doesn’t bother me. Not like my name existed over 1,400 years ago before the release of that children’s film.

1
disney

Some of the responses to my name aren’t as innocuous. Years ago, while waiting in Port Authority watching a movie on my phone, someone tapped me on my shoulder. I took my headphones out because it was a pleasant looking young woman with a smile on her face. She asked me what I was watching, how I was able to watch movies on a phone (this was when the Netflix beta app was still a relatively new thing) and when it got to the bit where she asked me my name and I told her, her face completely changed. She got belligerent, asked me where my parents were from, and when I told her Albania, she said with a challenge, “Well I’m Serbian.” Which didn’t really bother me, but she was horrified and got up and left.

In case you don’t know the bad blood between the two countries, here’s a photograph from their Eurocup 2016 qualifier match.

1
ibtimes

I’m not the only person with a “weird” name, though, so I can’t act like no one else in the world has experienced some unusual social situations for a decision their parents made.

Now, with Twitter sharing their own #GrowingUpWithMyName stories, I can feel like less of a freak.

Roll call was a nightmare.

Celebrities ruin everything.

This is why I drink Pepsi.

Pretty much my life in a nutshell.

Same.

A for effort.

No words.

Goddamn, Disney.

And Pixar.

His music isn’t all that anyway, bro.

The madness.

Don’t feel too bad, they f*ck up “John” half the time too.

Ugh.

School was the worst.

My man.

But there’s always a shining star.

And that just makes your day that, much, better.

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify

These Are The Hilarious Emergencies A Dog Would Have If They Could Dial 911

Sometimes dogs have emergencies, like when they can’t find a good place to hide their treats and walk around the house crying. Twitter user Reverend Scott believes that they have so many problems that they need their own 911 service. Here’s an idea of what that would look like… 

Man’s best friend in action. 

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Distractify