You Don't Need Special Glasses To Read These Very Funny Eclipse Tweets

The Great American Eclipse is happening NOW, people (or it already happened. I don’t know when you’re reading this!). And the great thing about this eclipse is that while in the past, people had to just go “wow” at how beautiful it all is, now we can livetweet the eclipse for all our friends, for it is 2017 and America is already great.

And yeah, the eclipse is stunning, but not even as much as this joke, let’s be real.

Or all the Twilight jokes.

Or when people noticed how weird all this eclipse fashion was. 

Just don’t stare at these tweets too hard.

Happy two-minute magic darkness y’all!

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Alexa Will Now Play 'Baby-Making' Music For You, In Case You Need An AI Wingman

Amazon unveiled 500 new voice commands for its virtual assistant Alexa this week, and that includes the ability to make Alexa play music that’s catered to your mood. And one of those moods is for sensual times.

That’s right—now you can ask Alexa to play “baby-making music” or “hooking up music” AND SHE WILL. Now, not to compare two strong, intelligent women, but has SIRI ever been this good of a wingman? I don’t think so.

Alexa still doesn’t understand commands for “music for sex” or “music for Netflix and chill,” as Mashable learned. You have to get as specific as “baby-making,” but STILL.

I asked my Alexa, via my Amazon Echo, to play “baby-making music” and she put on “Surprise Party” by Hoodie Allen. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

I don’t know if it inspired me to be amorous, but my dog did start looking my foot, so who knows. Personally, I’m just going to continue asking Alexa to play trashy mid-2000s hip hop songs.

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Japanese Cheesecake Is The Comfort Food We All Need Right Now

Sometimes, the only thing that makes your day better is some comfort food. For me, it’s all of the things that are terrible for me, like sweets, cakes, candies, chocolates, basically anything that’ll make sure my big ass gets even bigger and my love handles become even more pronounced.

But out of all the decadent comfort foods, there are fewer ones that I enjoy more than a nice slice of cheesecake.

And these ridiculously fluffy Japanese ones have got me currently cursing my diet.

Uncle Tetsu is a popular Japanese cheesecake chain that sell a fluffy, spongey, delicious dessert that’s unlike any cheesecake you’ve ever had before.

Unless of course, you’ve already had Japanese cheesecake.

It’s awesome texture is attained by whisking the cake’s egg whites separately before adding them to the mix. This makes the dessert more airy.

If you want to get your hands on some Uncle Tetsu cheesecakes though, you need to be in either Hawaii or California. But don’t fret! There’s hope!

You can make your own fluffly cheesecake, Pinterest is full of amazing recipes you can try out.

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#Yum.

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BMW Says This Future Motorcycle Is So Safe You Won't Need To Wear A Helmet While Riding It

BMW might be the automobile of choice for driving enthusiasts and/or total douchebags whose fathers are lawyers, but they don’t just make cars. They also make some pretty sweet motorcycles.

And I’m not just talking about the bikes that are currently in production, but the German auto-manufacturer’s future cycles, as well.

The Motorrad Vision Next 100 might have a ridiculous name, but the technology in this future bike is anything but.

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Apparently the Vision Next 100’s self-balancing technology is so safe that riders wouldn’t have to wear a helmet or even specially padded body suits. Which is comforting news to anyone who’s wanted to own a motorcycle but were afraid to. 

The zero-emissions (probably fully electric) bike also doesn’t require a bunch of esoteric gauges and dials. All relevant information is fed to the rider through a visor.


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It’s important to remember that the Vision Next 100, just like BMW’s shape shifting car, is a concept automobile. The likelihood of seeing this thing on a showroom floor in the near future is slim to none. 

It’s also kinda crazy to assume that no one is going to fall off this bike, which means that people will still need a helmet if they’re thrown off of it somehow.

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Because the ground doesn’t really care whether or not your bike has self-balancing technology.

Would you want to ride one of these bad boys if they ever actually came out?

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I would, but that doesn’t mean I’d be giving up my pads and helmet just yet.

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We Desperately Need This Magical Charger That Makes Your Phone Levitate

Every year, we witness another groundbreaking update in smartphones — and the ridiculous lengths that people will go to to obtain said smartphones. 

While the phone technology itself upgrades year to year, putting the last generation phone to shame, the actual charger technology has made very few leaps. So far, no one’s done much to impress us… Until now. 

We can thank startup AR Designs for OvRcharge, a phone charger that makes your phone float and rotate in space. 

You know, if you’re sick of balancing your phone on a windowsill because it’s as far as the apple charger will reach from the outlet on the wall. So, this new invention gets points for convenience and style. Your phone LEVITATES. 

The wonderfully trippy device looks like something straight from J.K. Rowling’s imagination.  

If Hermione had an iPhone, it would certainly levitate. 

Although she probably wouldn’t need the help of the wireless induction technology that allows the phone to charge while spinning mid-air. 

Unfortunately, you’ll have to ditch your current grimy phone case to get the full OvRcharge experience. Users will need to invest in a special case with an electricity receiver and magnet to go with the charger. 

Oh, and in case it wasn’t enough for your phone levitate, the device also works with tablets. 

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No word yet on when when we might be able to add our laptops to the mix. We can’t wait to ditch those annoying charger cords. 

The magical charger is out of its crowdfunding and development stages, so it won’t be long before your phone will be floating its way to 100% battery. 

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After successful Kickstarter and Indiegogo campaigns raised over $ 60,000 this summer, mass production of the chargers began. 

While they’re only available for order by early adopters, they’ll be on the market for all aspiring wizards soon enough. 

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23 Culinary Abominations That Need To Stay Off Instagram

Whenever you’re under the influence of alcohol or marijuana, the dumbest, most mundane things all of a sudden become magical. This is especially true of food. McDonald’s suddenly becomes palatable. Regular, broken up Lay’s Potato Chips become tiny pieces of rare filet mignon – everything just tastes so absolutely delicious.

The problem is, being under the influence clouts your judgment. And there’s probably plenty of meals you consumed while you were drunk or high that would absolutely horrify you if you were sober.

And these are some of those unappetizing meals.

  1. The world’s saddest chicken and waffles.

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  2. This “lovely” hot dog and french fry and egg platter.

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  3. I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

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  4. This sad, deflated Burger King meal.

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  5. Cinnamon toast crunch is great, but not when you add marshmallow charms.

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  6. This just makes me mad and also wanna barf.

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  7. Literally just ramen with a slice of American Cheese.

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  8. This mom’s attempt at a fun/terrifying dish.

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  9. Ramen noodles, sour cream, leftover carnitas.

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  10. This sad attempt at a Mexican-style dish…with a blueberry bagel on the side.

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  11. This bacon and mayonnaise sandwich.

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  12. This attempt at fancy looking cuisine.

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  13. These Doritos someone took a dump of condiments on.

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  14. Quite possibly the saddest breakfast in the world.

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  15. Would you like some burger with your onion?

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  16. Leftover Thai jammed into plain toast.

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  17. Dry ass chicken sandwich with some stupid pasta.

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  18. Literally just cheese and salsa.

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  19. Vomitey-looking leftover meatballs on toast and American cheese.

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  20. This billion calorie abomination.

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  21. Leftover spaghetti and tortilla chips.

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  22. Cringe-inducing 9/15 cake.

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  23. Stuffing mixture-topped toast. And Ketchup.

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You Need To Be A Master Of The English Language To Be Able To Read This Entire Poem

As you may often be told if you know anyone who’s had to learn English as a second tongue, our language is a goddamn mess. So much so that in 1922, Dutch poet Gerard Nolste Trenité wrote a poem entitled The Chaos that contains around 800 of our irregularities, and is almost impossible to complete in one take.

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
   I will teach you in my verse
   Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
   Tear in eye, your dress you’ll tear;
   Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
   Just compare heart, hear and heard,
   Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s written).
   Made has not the sound of bade,
   Saysaid, paypaid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
   But be careful how you speak,
   Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak ,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
   Woven, oven, how and low,
   Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
   Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
   Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
   Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
   Solar, mica, war and far.

From “desire”: desirableadmirable from “admire”,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
   Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
   Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
   Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
   Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind,

This goes on for a lot longer, so if you’ve managed to make it this far, why not give yourself a rest and leave it to a professional? 

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J.K. Rowling Told Us Everything We Need To Know About The American Wizarding School

In anticipation for the upcoming Fantastic Beasts, J.K. Rowling has written some background to the American School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Ilvermorny.

The houses for Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry are each named after the favorite magical creature of the family members who founded the school. While we don’t yet know the complete personality profiles of each house, here they are: 

Wampus, which “favors warriors.”

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One of two sons, Webster Boot, chose Wampus, because he was “argumentative but fiercely loyal.”

 

Horned Serpent, which “favors scholars.”

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Mother to the family Isolt Sayre chose the Horned Serpent because she felt a kinship with the creature.

Pukwudgie, which “favors healers.”

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The father of the family, James Steward, chose the Pukwudgie because Isolt made a joke about one once. Classic dad move. 

And Thunderbird, which “favors adventurers.”

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The second brother, Chadwick Boot, chose Thunderbird, because they were “intelligent but often temperamental.”

The complete history of the school is here, but summarized the best snippets below:

Isolt was born in around 1603 and fled Ireland for America to escape her abusive aunt, Gormlaith Gaunt. The Gaunts are ancestors of Voldemort. 

In America she met James Steward, a muggle who saw her using magic. She had planned to kill Steward, but they instead fell in love and adopted two orphaned magical boys, Chadwick and Webster.

Isolt set up Ilvermorny for magical children and named it after her childhood home in Ireland. 

Ilvermorny runs in a similar fashion to Hogwarts because Isolt had read about the school in England. 

At one point, Isolt discovers that her wand belonged to Salazar Slytherin and contained basilisk horn. They buried the wand, but it soon sprouted a snakewood tree.

The robes of the school are blue and cranberry because Isolt wanted to be in Ravenclaw as a child and James loved cranberry pie. 

And yes, you can get sorted into your own Ilvermorny house if you don’t fancy going to Hogwarts after Brexit. 

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Do you need to find the same things funny in a relationship?

Do you need to find the same things funny in a relationship?
Alison says: 'Another challenge early on is not being able to tell when they're joking. I get that quite a lot, being fond of sarcasm, which doesn't translate well electronically' Teri Pengilley. Humour is no joke in relationships. A bit like sex, it …
Read more on The Independent

Friday Fox Follies – Funny Is As Funny Does
So much struck Friday Fox Follies funny this week, starting with the Fox “News” reaction over President Obama's final State of the Union. The station almost turned itself into a pretzel to attack Obama's pledge to cure cancer without coming out in …
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Watch Adam Driver play Kylo Ren in a funny 'SNL' parody
Last night, Adam Driver hosted "Saturday Night Live" and was part of some pretty clever skits. You might remember Driver as Hannah Horvath's (Lena Dunham) dysfunctional boyfriend on the TV show "Girls," but more recently he's the bad guy Kylo Ren in …
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Article Marketing Questions – How Many Articles Do I NEED to Write to Make Money ASAP?

Who else is thinking about using article marketing for their traffic generation strategy? Are you sick and tired of paying for PPC ads, learning new “underground” techniques and trolling after every new “guru” tactic of the week to finally earn what you’re TRULY worth online? If you said YES….the simple truth is that article marketing is probably the BEST, easiest and most elegant way to generate boatloads of backsides to ANy site, service or offer, you choose…and often, make it happen in a hurry. (and for NO cost other than your time)

With this in mind, and as someone who has written thousands of articles that have generated multiple millions of readers in just a few short years, let’s look at one of the MOST common questions I hear.

How MANY articles do you need to write to make a full time living online?

Want to know the answer? It depends on the niche. And on YOU. And on whatever other traffic generation strategies you are using. And how strong and sophisticated your sequence, sales process or marketing methodology really is.

How so? Well…..take heed of a quick example…

In THIS niche, (“article marketing”) you have to write LOTS of articles to get lots of subscribers. Ironically…it’s one of the hardest niches there is, because there is LOTS of supply (articles like this one) and very little demand (people who are genuinely searching for article marketing help!)

What you are reading RIGHT now will probably struggle to get 100 readers. If I was making my living in THIS niche alone….I’d have to write 10 of these a day to really build a business. (if I was relying on this one approach alone)

But….there are OTHER niches that we’ve submitted articles in today, that will get TENS of thousands of readers over the next month, with many thousands of new subscribers, readers and a lot of affiliate sales to boot. Why? They are “sexier” markets, which have HUGE (and universal) appeal, and getting 10, 20 or even 50 thousand people to read a single submission in some of these markets is NOT uncommon.

The bottom line?

You will NEVER get rich writing one or two articles a day…..period. Quantity, is often as important as quality! I’d rather see a new marketer work HARDER, and create and submit more content CONTINUOULSY, than slave over that one perfect piece a day for sure! (because for better or for worse, when it comes to niche market domination, MORE is almost ALWAYS better than less)

Want PROOF? Click Here to ===> Make 0 Dollars a day (or more) in LESS than 60 days. (All Free Traffic, Baby!)

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