Judge Orders Man To Write 144 Nice Things About His Ex-Girlfriend

Maui Second Circuit Judge Rhonda Loo has ordered 30-year-old Daren Young to write 144 nice things about his ex-girlfriend after he violated her protection order. 

The woman sought a protection order after the two separated, which was issued Feb. 22, but two months later, Young called and texted her 144 times within a three-hour period, police said

Young was accused of saying “nasty things” in calls and text messages to the woman. Now, he has to write one “nice thing” for every “nasty thing.”

On top of that, Young was also sentenced to two years’ probation, 200 hours of community service, and a $ 2,400 fine. Prior to sentencing, Young had served 157 days in jail. 

Social media had mixed feelings about the decision. 

What do you think of this punishment? 

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33 Things That Can Only Be Explained By Magic

Science is one of mankind’s greatest achievements. Part of what makes it so great is that it helps us explain the unexplainable. We don’t know how anything works until a scientist sits down and studies it.

That being said, there are some things out there that I can’t see science ever getting around to explaining. The world is just too weird for everything to be explainable. Some things are straight up magic. 

You might think magic doesn’t really exist. I used to think that, too. Then I saw some things that could only possibly be magic, and now I know the truth. I’m sure they’ll convince you, as well. 

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The 28 Most Embarrassing Things Parents Have Ever Put Their Kids Through

Embarrassing your children is the most important thing you can do as as parent. You know, after feeding them. And I guess making sure they are are safe is important, too. Of course, you are also going to want to make sure you instill some good values in them, as well. And you have to make sure they have a roof over their head. That seems kind of similar to making sure they are safe, but it feels different enough where it is worth mentioning. 

And if you have two kids, you are going to want to make sure they get along with each other. Also, make sure that they both are fed and are safe. Really, I guess this is the same list as before just doubled. I mean, they only need one roof but…

Whatever. My point is that embarrassing your kids is the most important thing a parent can do. Or maybe it is in the top five most important things. You know what? Let’s call it ten. 

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People Thought Donald Trump Unfollowed Kellyanne Conway And Things Got Out Of Hand

On Tuesday, shortly after what must have been Kellyanne Conway's worst interview yet on the Today Show, and only hours later seeing her thank and retweeting a white nationalist, public speculation that Conway would be the next member of Trump's administration to either be fired or resign seemed like a pretty good bet.

As the rumor mill started churning, people started noticing that Kellyanne was no longer being followed by Trump, thinking that Trump essentially announced that he was going to fire her over Twitter.

Many have already likened the Trump presidency to another reality TV show, complete with its twists and fan favorites being voted off the island every few days, which is why this was so believable, but the reality of the situation is that none of the accounts ever followed Conway to begin with.

Trump has followed the same number of people for years, with that number fluctuating on occasion, including that time in January where he followed @EmergencyKittens, an account dedicated to flooding the internet with pictures of cute kittens, for a limited amount of time.

At no point in time was it documented that Trump followed Conway's account, with someone pointing out just that a few weeks after the elections.

But the damage was done. The rumor mill churned out its alternative facts and soon even those with verified accounts were tweeting the news to the masses.

Later in the day, both Trump and the POTUS Twitter accounts followed Conway, presumably to put and end to the rumors that she was next on the chopping block.

trump twitter
Twitter

Yet another valuable lesson on why you should double and triple check your sources before spreading news.

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23 Women Share The Worst Things A Guy Did On Their First Date

Going on a first date is one of the most nerve-wrecking experiences imaginable. But imagine for a second that when you get to the restaurant, you quickly realize that the other person is completely insane. The women of Reddit recently decided to share the worst stuff they’ve had to put with guys…

1.

My wife told me this one yesterday, about her older sister on a first date when she was a teen.

The guy asked her to show up wearing red, anything red. She wore a red skirt with red nails. He drove her to a well known make out spot and tried to convince her to dance beside the car while he played “Lady In Red” from the tape deck. As I understand, she wasn’t impressed.

featherygoose

2. 

If you’re going to ask a girl about her hobbies, don’t spend the next couple of minutes shitting on her hobbies. The one-up game isn’t nice.

Was on a date just last week actually

“Whats your favorite thing to make?”

“I’ve been told I make a really good medium rare steak”

“Medium rare? So all you do is control the temperature? That’s not impressive.”

“…Do you like to cook?”

“No. I don’t see the need to cook. I can just go to a restaurant and buy food. Haha. Why try to make a steak when you can go to a restaurant and get a good one?”

I think with that comment he was trying to show off that he had money to always go out to eat? I have no idea. But jokes on him, what I like to do on later dates is invite the guy over for a home cooked meal. It’s a subtle way of getting a guy over to my place. But that wasn’t going to happen with this one.

pinksugar

3. 

Ask to wear matching outfits. I wish I was kidding.

thewildbunny

4. 

“He initiates a dinner date. Dinner date ends up being with his extended family. Since he drove us, I get stuck back at his mom’s home with extended family while he disappeared somewhere. I’m not even socially comfortable around my own extended family.”

uncappedlynx

5. 

One time, a guy asked me out and showed up in those toe shoes.

Didn’t realize it was at the top of my “no no” list until it happened.

probablyeatingtacos

6. 

Take you to his grandmother’s house and ask her for money to pay for the date…

heyychiaki

7. 

Don’t flirt with the waiter. And the girl sitting next to us. And my roommate…

wesrdctfvygbhunjimko

8.

Wear too much cologne. Be on your phone. Talk about your ex. I had a man who brought her up and said I reminded him of her. Ive also had men just talk about how much they hated their exes it’s just awkward.

ohhsuzyq

9.  

Trying to fingerblast me at dinner

LAX2PDX2LAX

10. 

Take me to your place. A guy did it once, no warning after we went out to eat. I had to ask where we were driving when I assumed he was talking me back to my car and he drove in the other direction.

magicmusi8

11. 

Don’t take your date to olive garden, slurp your soup up really really fast, use your finger to get the remaining traces out of the bowl and lick your fingers, and then request two more soup refills in a row so i have to endure this torture again and again

soofyahn

12.

Ask, “Are you a natural blonde?” then shift your eyes to my crotch. Shudders

GIfuckingJane

13.

I once went on a first date where I got into the guys car and he started drifting through the busy streets in an urban area and refused to stop to let me out of the car. He didn’t wear shoes and brought me to Carl’s Jr. for dinner (which I paid for). As we were driving by an “adult entertainment” store on our way back to my car he asked if I wanted to stop in and go shopping.

AwkwardGeisha

14.

Point out hickies that another girl gave you 3 days prior. Text the hickey girl to tell her you’re on a date with me, then tell me about texting her.

recalcitrantdonut

15. 

Riding around on/bragging about the brand of your hoverboard. Also, don’t stick your tongue in a girl’s ear ten seconds after kissing her for the first time.

ginganinja14

16.

Do not say you’re in love with her on the first date.

It comes off as creepy more so than sweet.

Mirellemagic

17. 

Don’t speculate what color hair and eyes the kids will have.

Seriously–I hadn’t been through one meal with the fellow and he already thinks I’ll bear his children? Yikes!

doublestitch

18. 

Call me “woman”.

Did you already forget my name? Is it a weird power thing? I don’t get it.

mariecurious

19. 

Ask whether the girl had waxed or shaved her private parts. Then, upon hearing no, tell her you have a razor in your backpack.

I noped out of that one right quick.

Pajamaralways

20.

Don’t try to ‘neg’ me and think I won’t notice.

Don’t try any of those art of seduction techniques, for that matter. The only guys who would look them up tend to be the ones who are too socially awkward to execute them without it being freaking obvious. It just comes across as dishonest.

J4viator

21.

Grab a solid handful of your ass cheek as if it were the most appropriate greeting to give your date.

Lemonsweetie

22. 

Late to the party, but still. Don’t bring your 5yo child and tell him “she’s your new mommy “. Nope nope nope.

BasilNuts

23.

Wear skin-tight leggings covered in cats flying through the cosmos.

That was a weird night.

arac62

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People Are Sharing Things That Santa Once Told Them And We Can't Stop Laughing

This year has been a long year, and with Christmas coming up, we’re finally winding things down with last minute holiday shopping and improvised travel plans with people named Lauren that still have no idea what it means to pack their things ahead of time so we can leave on time, but that’s beside the point.

While the rest of us responsible travelers were sitting around and waiting for everyone else to make this holiday weekend the stress-fest we knew it would be, the #SantaOnceToldMe hashtag surfaced and people used it to share some holiday cheer. And jeers because, you know, it’s the internet, but mainly cheer. Check them out.

  1. Let’s start off with something positive

  2. Here’s the Twitter we know and love

  3. Mind = Blown

  4. All we ever did was wreck him.

  5. Last minute tip:

  6. We’ve all had our suspicions

  7. Oof

  8. Also explains why he doesn’t mind the cold

  9. I guess cashew milk will have to do

  10. Well that’s a little different

  11. Hmph

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30 Things That Sound Helpful But Aren't

Here’s some advice. When it is time to do a thing, you should do that aforementioned thing. Unless circumstances arise where doing that thing would no longer be the best outcome, in which case do not do that thing. That is unless of course, the negative outcome is the most desired one. 

I’m real good at giving advice, you guys. 

  1. Let’s meet about this

    Having a meeting to discuss an issue that could be done by 1 person in less time than it takes to have the meeting, but somehow now involves a team that will meet several times a week for the foreseeable future to further discuss doing the thing.

    logoutlater

  2. Bro, do you even lift?

    Giving out a friends information as a referal to the gym you just joined without asking first. Bobby, I know you get a kickback for anyone you can get signed up and you want me to be more in shape but those fuckers at your gym call me everyday and I’m not driving 10 miles to go to your same gym

    Cheeky_Guy

  3. I have some notes…

    Micromanaging people. Telling you things you already know, while you’re already in the process of doing them

    Skeetronic

  4. Clock has ticked

    People telling my wife it is about time to have a baby, because soon it will be too late.
    She is infertile.

    GedasGedonis

  5. Now hear me out

    One thing I have had to really work on is not offering people advice/telling them what to do when people complain about things. As it turns out, most of the time they just want someone to listen.

    spaghetti_hitchens

  6. Ugh. You have no idea.

    Telling you why their situation is worse than yours

    ourlittlevignette

  7. No! Fundamentally untrue.

    “Everything happens for a reason.”

    NewClayburn

  8. Never be nice

    Give you the go ahead while driving when they clearly have the right of way. We’re not fucking animals! We live in a society!

    2_Smokin_Barrels

  9. Have you tried saying it louder?

    Saying “relax” or “calm down” or something to someone who’s upset or agitated. Like, has that ever actually worked in the history of human interaction?

    brosieodonell

  10. You filthy hypocrite

    Holding a door open when you’re pretty far behind them, so you need to do that awkward jog to the door so as not to keep them waiting. Still nice of them to think of me, though.

    Also, I accept that I have also been the door-holder in this situation.

    RatQueen92

  11. This place looks good. Now let me make it great.

    The in-laws try to “help” decorate the house by rearranging the furniture and artwork on the walls while they’re “cat-sitting” for us when we’re away on vacation.

    They don’t ask, they just do it – and they think they’ve been helpful with “giving the place a new look.”

    Back2Bach

  12. You realize that’s what caused this problem in the first place, right?

    Give you shitty advice like “just be yourself.”

    SleepNowMyThrowaway

  13. This is a conversation about failure, not failure to try.

    Saying “you just need to get out more!” when the conversation as to why I’m single inevitably gets to that point

    I’m well aware of that fact, I’ve tried on several occasions and always failed miserably, which every time left me feeling worse and less confident than before.

    DidntGetYourJoke

  14. Oh. You don’t say.

    “You have a pimple on Your face, You know?”

    lwlwlwlw

  15. But all kids the are same, right?

    Offering advice on parenting

    ResidencesOfAwesome

  16. Messy people of the world unite!

    “Organizing” my stuff. I make art, my workstation might look messy but everything is exactly where I need it. I hate sitting down to start a project and realizing that nothing is where I left it, or that something’s been thrown away “because it looked like garbage!” Don’t touch my fucking stuff >:[

    blue_omicron

  17. Sorry but I don’t trust you

    Cooking for me. I have a food allergy and the only people I fully trust to make my food safely are my parents. I also feel badly when someone cooks for me because I end up interrogating them about the ingredients and might end up passing the dish on to someone else if I don’t feel comfortable with it.

    am_i_potato

  18. You have agency

    When there’s a fight or altercation and that one lady who just screams “OH MY GOD, CALL THE COPS!!! STOP IT!!!”

    Instead of actually calling the cops or seeking help she would rather stand there and just scream at the top of her lungs.

    Kevindurantissoft

  19. Yeah, but what if the dog is really cute?

    When I’m telling my puppy not to jump when they come in, and they say “noooo it’s fine I love dogs” and pat their hands on their belly signaling my dog to jump more. No thanks, I’m trying to train him.

    YodaPie

  20. But it sounds like it could be true

    Post memes that support their political candidate without fact checking.

    Scrappy_Larue

  21. Hey! Ugly!

    pointing out facial blemishes. If you’re telling me something wrong about my appearance that I can’t change in 5 minutes, don’t say it, I’ll be stressed the rest of the day

    IFearEars

  22. Everyone’s a doctor

    Give you medical advice

    juiceboxheero

  23. No more presents

    Give you shit they think you need but you never asked for and don’t have any god damn room for and will never use and end up either throwing it away (and feeling guilty) or donating it (and feeling aggravated b/c of the extra time it takes in your already busy life to deal with) or passing it on to another unsuspecting dupe (and feeling like an ass b/c you just did the same thing that the original person did to you). Please people, stop giving shit to people without them asking for it.

    goodfreeman

  24. Trust the system

    I don’t know if I have a touch of autism, OCD, or just become annoyed but if I am working on something, whether it be at work or home or whatever, and it seems like I have a LOT to get done, trust me, I am fine and I have a system. I will get it done on time without issues. I generally don’t need help. If you ask me once, I will say no thanks, I am good. If you ask twice, I will become quite angry. Leave me to my system.

    longnapper

  25. It’ll reach you eventually

    Sending prayers.

    Melaronius

  26. You and I have different understandings of “Help out

    Coming to “help out” after a baby is born. What they really mean is “I want to come to your home after you’ve given birth and be entertained as a guest while I hoard your new baby as much as possible.”

    RomanoCheesed

  27. Mmm. No.

    “Happiness is a choice”

    WowHelloHi

  28. This is not a real answer.

    Not specifying what they want. Eg. “What would you like to drink?” “Oh whatever, I’m not fussed”. NOT. HELPFUL.

    Ihavenoclue111

  29. What does this do?

    “Bless you” after every sneeze to comfort me. It makes me uncomfortable instead.

    J4CKR4BB1TSL1MS

  30. He’s fallen and can get up

    I’m a spastic diplegic.

    I sometimes stumble and fall in public.

    People always rush in to help. It’s nice, I know they’re trying to be friendly, and I appreciate it. I really do. Thing is, I have my own weird little technique of getting back on my feet. I have practiced it a lot and now I am extremely good with it. Helping hands only complicate matters.

    vijeno

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19 Lawyers Discuss The Dumbest Things They've Had To Explain To Clients

Being a lawyer is a really, really tough job. It requires tons of school and unlike the medical field, you’re not really guaranteed a job once you graduate because there’s no cap on the number of people who can become JD’s in a given year. Medical schools are much more restrictive on the number of applicants they take in, so to be a successful lawyer you usually have to be really good.

So explaining the law to someone of average intelligence can be difficult, because you know the ins and outs of the American legal system because it’s your job. Interpreting the law for an everyday slob is a difficult task.

But explaining it to a moron is a hair-ripping nightmare.

Something these lawyers openly talked about in a recent Reddit post where they were asked about the dumbest things they needed to explain to their clients.

1. PHONE CALLS WILL BE RECORDED

When I was a legal intern at a criminal defender’s law office, we had a client who was charged with murder. We explained to the client not to make any phone calls saying anything incriminating because it will be recorded. Where prisoners can use the phone there is a GIANT SIGN that says “PHONE CALLS WILL BE RECORDED”. On top of that, before you are able to call our there is an automated recording that tells you that all calls are being recorded and monitored (unless it is to your attorney, which are covered by privilege). Client made a call to his girlfriend that evening asking her to hide the gun.

sidekick_sofi

2. “But…it’s FLORIDA.”

I had to explain to a client why their ex-husband could travel with their child to Florida without obtaining a passport. As in, I had to tell them that Florida was part of the United States.

lawyererjb

3. Lawyers make money?

That they had to pay me. This is more common than you’d think. For some reason, some people think lawyers are like their personal spiritual guides or fairy godmother.

dlawoff

4. So, how do we get out of this one?

That you really can go to jail if we lose at trial.

vigo810

5. I read it somewhere.

Not to a client, but other party. I was acting for a particular manufacturer. They were sued for an injury incurred by someone using a product made by a different manufacturer. I rang their lawyer and said I was acting for A and I didn’t understand why A had been named as defendant in the suit but the body of the claim said the plaintiff had been injured by a product made by B. I asked if it was a monster typo or what?

The response was that they thought A was the manufacturer of products sold under the name B. Now that isn’t inherently stupid, I guess. So I said that had no basis in fact whatsoever, and that A and B were unrelated competitors, and asked (as a matter of curiosity) how they had reached the conclusion that A were the manufacturer of B.

The response was along the lines of “someone in the office, I think it was maybe Jim one of our clerks, who thought he’d read somewhere that B were made by A”. That was it. No checking of the product paperwork. No company searches. No brand name register searches. No enquiries with our client or B. Not even an effin’ google. Just some guy in the office had once heard.

And on that basis they issued a very financially sizeable product liability suit.

princhester

6. Then what is entrapment, Mr. LAW GUY?!

That your boss sending you to a drug test after he walked in on you snorting cocaine off your desk does not qualify as entrapment. You can not sue him.

fritts336

7. But they sent an email!

That he hadn’t really won a 20 million euro European super lottery from Australia that he’d never entered and that it was a good thing that his family, bank and church wouldn’t lend him the $ 2000 they said they needed to verify his identity (on top of the several hundred he’d already sent them) and that yes, his priest was right it was a scam.

This was during a clinic at a free community legal center. The poor guy had limited English and only $ 20 left in his bank account and he really did not want to let go of the 20 million euro dream. His priest had sent him to us for advice because he wasn’t having any luck talking sense into the old guy himself and thought lawyers might help.

adingostolemytoast

8. But I do stuff like that when I’m sober all the time.

It doesn’t matter if you were sober or not. You jumped out of a third story window with a beer bottle and threw it at a cop. The jury is going to think you were drunk. Also, I think you were drunk.

quackattackaggie

9. …But why though?

I had a client once who was in trouble for stealing sample medications from a hospital. We got security footage from the DA as part of the evidence and when it came down we watched it together. The camera was literally 10 ft away in a well lit room and we watched her shovel prescription samples into a garbage bag and walk off. After it was done she turned to me and asked if I thought she was going to be able to get off… I said no.

thesilentkellar

10. When you gotta go…

Don’t signal to the judge you need to use the restroom during your trial by making eye contact and vigorously nodding while urgently pointing at your crotch.

cyanidenow

11. Who’s the real victim here?

In my state we have this thing called Victim’s Compensation.

An oversimplification of how it works goes as follows: If you are the victim of a crime, and suffer some form of injury (e.g. psychological, physical, etc.) you can apply for a payment from state funds. If you are the perpetrator of one of those crimes (e.g. an assault, robbery, paedophilia, etc.) an order can be made for you to pay the state back an amount relating to that victim’s compensation.

I had a client who felt the process of being convicted for assaulting his relatives, and having to pay victims compensaation back to the state was arduous… and in return, he should be receiving victim’s compensation from the state.

… so that was fun to explain.

(edit: explanation was “you are not the victim in that…”)

austrayya

12. That’s not how bankruptcy works…

I once had a client who wanted to declare bankruptcy. I explained he needed to have his tax returns for the past few years filed in order to do so. He said he hadn’t filed taxes in 20 years because “It ain’t none of the government’s business how much money I make.”

farawaytadpole

13. Stop telling people all the illegal stuff you did.

Why they should not have called the cops to tell them exactly what they did that violated the restraining order.

slwrthnu

14. Breaking Bad.

From this week: Client: So I dont smoke meth, I think its from unprotected sex Me: So you would like me to explain to the judge its ok, you just bang methheads Client: yeah

lucius_aeternae

15. But you’re my lawyer.

A lawyer can’t out and out lie. You said to them “yeah I burned his fucking house down and pissed on the ashes” he can’t say you were two states away….

That blew some my students heads.

paperconservation101

16. So…we’re all in the clear, right?

I once had to explain to a client that he could, in fact, fire an employee for (1) stealing significant sums of money from the safe, (2) pulling a gun on a co-worker who questioned these activities, and (3) waving said gun in a customer’s face moments later, all of which were on camera.

wrigleyjohnson

17. Oh. My. God.

Represented a client charged with statutory rape who had a large number of…’explanations’ for the various evidence in his case that I had to explain would not be a good idea to testify to or argue to the jury:

  • The KY Jelly you purchased with the kid at WalMart was not for applying to an undiagnosed skin condition on your chest
  • The hundreds of pages of internet chat logs prior to traveling hundreds of miles to meet the kid, consisting of repeated explicit sexual overtures, emotional manipulation, lies about your age and wealth, and specific plans for how you would remove him from his parents home were not “meaningless banter”
  • The fact that you had an active prescription for Viagra does not mean you are “asexual”
  • The semen matching your DNA did not find its way into the rectum of the 13 year old boy because of your medical condition that results in “leakage” and the fact that when you are staying in a hotel room, you do not lift the toilet seat when you urinate, which must have resulted in in the material being deposited on the seat and transferred to the boy when he sat on the seat
  • You were not the victim, taken advantage of by the hypersexual teenager for whom you were you merely trying to provide innocent “emotional support”

I had to explain all of these things (and others) many times. Im not sure he ever actually believed any of them.

cyanidenow

18. Jews don’t celebrate Memorial Day.

When a client called me this past memorial day and I asked why she was calling me on a holiday, she replied that she didn’t think Jews celebrated Memorial day. Never thought that I would have to explain that to anyone.

Edit : to answer some of the questions, yes I am Jewish, no I never told her I was Jewish. I have an answering service which took her call and emailed me the message which was that it was very urgent that she speak with me that day. Given that the courts were closed and her case was a paternity and child support matter, I thought it had to be quite the emergency. It was not. She just wanted to ask whether the suspected father was required to take the DNA test ordered by the court. I then had to explain what paternity meant.

sethschraier

19. Baby oil.

I sat in on a case once where the plaintiff’s lawyer had to explain to her that it wasn’t a slip and fall if she brought the baby oil with her in a squeeze bottle and applied it to the floor herself. The woman then began to act like she didn’t speak or understand English after. It was bizarre.

yermomsasherpa

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This Mom Wrote A Hilarious List Of 20 Things You Should Know Before 'Pushing Out A Baby'

Having your first baby is an exhilarating experience until you realize that you have to look after the thing for the rest of your life and sleep is but a distant memory. 

Bekki Pope is a mom and blogger who runs the Facebook page and she’s got some experience in the whole baby thing. So for all the novices, she decided to write a list entitled “20 things to know when you’ve just pushed out a baby,” and it’s pretty damn hilarious. 

1. The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over….

2. Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you’re trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.

3.. Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way. But just remember the size of the thing you pushed out of the front bit, and the prospect of pushing out what’s in the back bit won’t be quite so daunting. Your bum is not falling out. Or it might be. If you have piles. Which you probably do…

4. Your baby looks weird. Like… Really weird. ‘Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby’ etc will be said at you and you’ll accept other people’s opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad with dried blood and skin stuck to its wrinkly face.

5. Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Boys little nuggets are the size of whole walnut whips, but their willies are the size of the walnuts on the top that nobody wants. Apparently this ‘swelling’ goes down soon. If it doesn’t, expect ‘big bollocks’ to be part of your sons school nickname.

6. Their first poo is not actually poo. It’s tar. The midwives sneak in over night, fill your baby’s nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it, or to see if you decide to take one look at it and start googling ‘why do nappies come pre-filled with marmite?’

7. Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It’s normal. It may feel like you’ll never be right again and that you’ll walk like John Wayne forever, and you might, but you’ll feel so much better for the shower. You’re literally washing away your sins. (If the baby was born out of wedlock anyway….)

8. Midwives like babies. They will come and pick yours up with no prior warning. They will squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies to make them crap, and fiddle with their face so much you’re sure the baby looks like it’s had botox when they give it back.

9. Your baby hates you. It’s not crying. It’s communicating with its master- the devil- about how successful their plan to destroy you is going. Seriously – it doesn’t actually hate you. It may seem like it never cries when anyone else holds it or that it enjoys keeping you up all night, but really, it is so dependant on you it’s embarrassing. Human babies are embarrassing.

10. You will say the word ‘latch’ more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment, you will feel like an actual proper mum.
And a cow.

11. There are people in hospital that can smell your vulnerability. They will take photos of your baby looking cute and then try and charge you a million pounds for it. They will scroll through the 50 photos they’ve taken of your baby in the same position, asking you to choose your favourites. and if you’ve got a partner like mine, that means you will have to re-mortgage your house by the time he’s done…

12. The hospital food is as bad as it is so that people decide they would rather be in pain and at home than eating ‘peaches and custard’. The custard is hot wee with a splash of breast milk mixed in, and the peaches are body parts that have been soaked in sugar over night. And don’t eat the chocolate mousse. Just don’t.

13. It farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes weird noises in its sleep that make you think you’re going to wake up and see Chucky in the cot- head spinning and laughing. You hope people know it’s the baby and not you. Not that you’d know if you were farting. Your sphincter muscle control is somewhat lacking at the moment.

14. Everyone you’ve ever met will want to come to the hospital to see you. People get overexcited about visiting hospitals. They feel VIP when they walk in to a ward. You are a VIP- a very in-pain person. And you look and feel like death. So only accept visitors if you are up to it. You’re still so high on drugs that making conversation with adults is like trying to sieve flour with a fishing net. Everything just pours out of you and none of the shit is stopped getting through…

15. Your tummy is now resembling a balloon that’s slowly deflating and feeling very sorry for itself. If you press it, you instantly conclude that it would make a fantastic trampoline for Stuart Little. Or that if you sliced it up right now, the hospital kitchen staff would use it and palm it off as nectarine jelly..

16. They want you on contraception straight away. Countless midwives will come and talk to you about how fertile you are and how likely you are to become pregnant again. They do however forget one crucial thing- you’re never having sex again. You never want to see a penis again. And if one comes near you, you’ll most likely destroy it for the sake of women everywhere. The end.

17. Everything’s angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn’t angry. It’s f@&king livid. Give it a while to calm down but right now, you and she ain’t friends…

18. People ask you if your milk has come in yet, and you half expect somebody dressed in a cravendale costume to waltz through the door and stay with you forever, handing you milk as and when your baby needs it. Not true. What actually happens is that, about 3 days in, your boobs start to leak like they have forgotten they are breasts and now believe they are garden sprinklers. Whose garden you don’t know, but at the rate they start pouring out it must be the Queen’s…

19. They want you to go home ASAP. You are taking up valuable bed space and now you have delivered your stinky human bundle and they’ve checked it over to make sure it isn’t a live Picasso painting, you’re free to leave. Don’t. Not until you’re ready. Get all the help and advice you need before going home. Because once you’re at home, your baby is expecting you to know what you’re doing and you’ll wish you’d stayed longer at the hospital. If to only delay the car seat fiasco a little longer…

20. Stop worrying. You’re not superwoman. There is no such thing as normal, and there is no such thing as perfect. You are your baby’s normal. You are your baby’s perfect. They aren’t judging you. They are completely reliant on you and being responsible for another human being is not a piece of cake. It’s a piece of ‘oh my god I can’t do this’. You can. And everyday will get easier. Breath mummy.
You just grew and pushed out a mini Mitchell brother. There’s nothing you can’t do.

Except sleep.
You can’t do that anymore.

Pope’s list was pretty relatable, earning 80,000 shares and thousands of comments from other moms. 

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