Into even the smallest of lives, some unbelievable wonder falls. Too bad no one will believe it. Even if you have a reputation for brutal honesty, there are some things that happen to a person in their life that you better have witnesses for.
Twitter user @mhoye decided to give everyone an opportunity to air these special events by asking followers “what’s the least plausible story about yourself that’s true.” The request blew up, because apparently a lot of people have been sitting on some crazy-ass stories for a long, long time.
OK Twitter. It’s late but let’s see if we can make this interesting:
What is the least plausible story about yourself that’s true?
— mhoye (@mhoye) June 23, 2018
Some comments are clearly jokes, but most of the stories are almost too weird to make up—or a little too on the nose, like this story about being related to the creator of Pinocchio. Is your nose growing, @AJLorenzini?
There are several stories of muggings that turned out surprisingly well:
Someone tried to mug me. I was so tired that I didn’t realize what was happening and said, “No, thank you.” He told me to give him my bag and wallet again, and I said, “I’m okay, thanks.”
He just stood there for a minute and then walked away.
I read through the whole encounter https://t.co/H68TUU1tY8
— Laura Dern Hype Squad (@Ikiruined) June 29, 2018
Though one openly incorporates lying:
Some tweens in Germany tried to mug me when I was 16 and I got out of it by claiming I was Chelsea Clinton and telling them they didn’t want to get on my dad’s bad side.
— Sarah Scott (@SAR_S) June 27, 2018
Sure, the ferrets made your dad not go to work:
when i was little we had ferrets. one morning they took my dads keys and he couldn’t go to work. there was two and they kept giving the keys to each other and running. he chased them for 2 hours and they only put them back on the table when he went back to bed. https://t.co/sUPbAhaHO6
— c (@lightiscomiing) June 29, 2018
Does anyone believe Tommy Wiseau had an acting coach?
I was Tommy Wiseau’s acting coach for two weekends on The Room.
— Caroline Carrigan (@carcarrigan) June 25, 2018
This just sounds like bad audience etiquette:
I got onstage at a sex show in Amsterdam and chatted on the revolving bed with the girl while a guy dressed as Batman had sex with her.
We talked about clothes.
— Jessica Naipier-Kane (@Crankynewperky) June 24, 2018
There are stories that incorporate famous people, like Mr. Worldwide:
The rapper Pitbull once flew me first-class to Alaska because I pulled a prank on him
— David Thorpe (@Arr) June 26, 2018
And also famous locations, like a movie set contaminated with poop:
I hid my husband’s besharted boxer shorts in a cast and crew tent on the set of Pearl Harbor.
— Alex HouseOfLeaves (@Box0fFrogs) June 25, 2018
But the stories of coincidence might be the best ones:
1) Back in landline days, someone trying to reach me at home misdialed the number by a digit and I happened to be at the location he called. 2) I had a conversation alone with Diana Ross in her kitchen while she was in her nightgown.
— Rutherley🌹 (@Rutherley) June 24, 2018
And the stories that remind you to clear all your past debts to society ASAP:
I got arrested last month for a video game I didn’t return in 1997.
— Charlie Foxtrot (@thunderchikn) June 25, 2018
Some of these stories seem like they were lifted from the movies:
Both rom-coms and horror flicks:
I was 12, living in Utah; dude in a blue VW bug started shadowing me. Felt freaked out, ran through neighbors’ back yards to lose him. Saw that same face again, on the front page, when they executed Ted Bundy.
— Zina Petersen (@ZinaNPetersen) June 26, 2018
Or maybe an animated movie about plucky pets:
But basically nothing that has to do with science or medical trauma seems real. How do any of us manage to live so long?
Right after Anthrax scare that followed 9/11, I took a flight from Logan Airpt to Brazil for my cousin’s Bar Mitzva. I forgot a microtube with a plasmid (DNA to make stuff) in my backpack. Got stopped by security:
Me: (sh***ing myself) “DNA”
Security: “Move along”.
— David Schlesinger (@david_schles) June 24, 2018
I was pronounced dead by a doctor at birth, then Revived by a visiting nurse who happened to observing. She pulled my body from his hands said “ Iv done worse” then siphoned fluids from my longs and performed. CPR.
— Noah Beddome (@DomoDoGood) June 25, 2018
I once bled to death, thought related to a very rare complication of pregnancy called HELLP. Was brought back to health by extremely thoughtful care and a boatload of blood/surgery only to go back to work as a physician and have my exact case as my first case back.
— RanaAwdishMD (@RanaAwdish) June 27, 2018
Oh, and I forgot … I have the world’s oldest tooth implant. I was part of the pilot program in ‘75, when I was a kid. My uncle was a dentist and put it in. Every dentist who ever sees me freaks out and says ‘I’ve only seen these things in text books!’. Awesome.
— Chapps (@chapps) June 25, 2018
And how do you say no to Justin Bieber? The answer is apparently that you can’t:
We were in a studio in Greece when Justin Biebers manager called, asking us to leave and even offering us money to do so cause they wanted to record there so badly. We refused and then they just showed up.
— 🌷T🌷 (@Taddl) June 28, 2018
But I believe this one, because nothing is more useful than a towel:
My life was saved twice, 8 years apart by a simple pale blue cotton bath towel.
2001: used it to defend myself when attacked by 3 knife yielding dope-dealers in the showers of my army unit.
2009: it caught in the 🏨 balcony railings after I slipped and went over. 90m cliff below.
— koumdros (@koumdros) June 25, 2018
And this one, because McDonald’s is like this:
I went to @McDonalds drive-thru w my sister & she ordered an egg mcmuffin. I thought for a few seconds & said “I’ll take one too”#McDonalds replied “Sorry, breakfast closed in between the two orders; we got the first egg mcmuffin, but then we closed before you said the second”
— k10neb (@k10neb) June 26, 2018
Whether you believe any of these stories or not, they make a fascinating read. And amongst all the tall tales, there’s a least this one guy who brought the receipts: